sink or swim...

As a kid, learning to swim & going under water was the best thing ever. Whether you held your nose or not (to this DAY I hold my nose), you know you felt like a champ the first time you did it. Even if you got water in your eyes or nose, it wasn’t the end of the world; you just kept jumping in, rushing to the bottom, & pushing off with all your might to re-surface again. I know for me, it took all my mother had to get me out of the pool. NOW… well now is a different story.

As an adult, we do all we can just to stay afloat. The idea of going under water brings on stress, sweats, panic attacks… & my favorite term; "aggeda" (ah-juh-duh... who knows what the actual spelling of that word is, but you ask any Italian & they will know what you mean). We are constantly finding ourselves in situations where at some point, we run out of breath & struggle to stay at the surface. Just once, I’d like to sit comfortably, floating on a raft with a margarita on the rocks. But then again, if you think about the strength it takes to stay at the surface, it’s a toss up on which role I’d really want to play when it comes down to it. As they say, only the strong survive… go ahead; flip over one of those jackasses on a raft; see what happens. They’ll probably look to one of the rest of us to save em’.

In the last few years, I would constantly find myself emerging from that pool; choking, with water in my eyes & nose... & my hair in my face. I always hoped for that one day I would come up gracefully; unscathed, with everything intact. Or maybe spice it up a bit & make em’ laugh with an old school George Washington do’. But through it all, I somehow managed to find comfort in my disarray. I was pleasantly surprised (in the nicest way possible of course) to find other people out of breath as well. Not to take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, but it’s always good to know that you’re not alone. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one afraid of going under again, or wondering if I had the strength to come up the next time, set me at ease. No matter who had their foot on my head holding me under, I knew I had someone to pull me back up to the surface. I'm very lucky... regardless of how dark my days ever get, I have so many life jackets being thrown to my rescue.

Unfortunately, in the last few years, I was in pretty good company in that pool. But watching the people I love go through their shit & come out ok was an inspiration. It let me know that I could do it too. That no matter what, I would be ok. Those people... & their stories... would help me though. The last decade (not to mention just the last few years) has brought on the loss of parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, cousins, aunts, uncles, lovers, friends, etc. to the people around me in unbelievable numbers. The losses we’ve all faced in recent years alone has kicked us in the stomach with more reality than any of us would like to, or ever be willing to take. But in this life, for as many choices we have, there’s just as many that we don’t. It is what it is. You gotta take it… like it or not. It’s HOW you take it that makes you… or breaks you. With so many things there is a gray area that will help you skate through some situations… but not everything is always black & white… and at the end of the day, it comes down to whether or not you want to sink or swim.

The way I see it is that you can go through life being a window shopper… checking out all the possibilities of what you want, or could someday become… admiring everyone else. Or... you can be a high roller & risk it all to be who you want & get the best out of this life. I do believe that this won’t be our first time around… & for many of us, we’ve been here before… but I can only count on the life I’m living at the moment… the life that I can remember as me & look back on & not regret. I refuse to be a window shopper. With my luck, I’ll come back as a cavity or something, so I personally am not willing to take that risk ;)

I was fortunate enough to have one last heart to heart with my Aunt Lena, one of the most important people in my life, before she passed away in June. She always gave me the best advice & knocked reality into me like no one else could. She told me that she wanted me to live the life I deserved... & left me with words that will stick with me forever... "I love you & I want you to always be happy... & make sure that the lucky bastard that marries you treats you right or I'm gonna haunt him forever. But more importantly, make yourself happy first." That among many other things she's said, have been imprinted in my heart. She was a smart woman ;) There is no one like my Aunt Lena.

As we approach a new year & a new decade, I want to dive in with a clean slate. Leaving all the bullshit behind me & start fresh with a new outlook & new goals to reach. I think the majority of us feel that way. Everyone I talk to seems SO ready to say goodbye to this last decade & even more so to this year. I know I am more than ready & willing to move forward & grab the future by the balls. So in happiness & good health, here’s to 2010…!!

my new motto: “TWENTY-TEN BABY!!”

Salute!!
m.

the way i see it.

On a day like today... where all I want to do is bury my head in my blankets & never emerge, I try my damnedest to find some kind of motivation.

On a day like today... where all of the insecurities of my life have seemed to band together & gang up on me, I try my damnedest to find strength.

On a day like today... with a sky filled with gray clouds & gloom, I try my damnedest to find a reason not to cry & just let it all consume me.

Today... is just one of those days.

I discovered the next bit of enlightenment from quite an unlikely place. I mean, I guess if I'm going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee, I should get a little more out of the deal, right? So thank you, my dear friends at Starbucks.

I stumbled on this quote a few months ago... it struck me, so I took a picture of it with my cell phone because I knew these words would come in handy one day. And here we are.

The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do no do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes".

-- Keith Olbermann, broadcast journalist

It's so true. Aside from the people who love & care about you, anyone else could really care less... & are pretty much chomping at the bit to step on you if it meant they would get ahead. The world is full of people who will doubt you, judge you, & criticize you. But ultimately, you are the one who makes the final call to prove them right or wrong. It sounds so cliche but its true; if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. You can't count on anyone to do your bidding for you... know what you are worth & if you want something, go after it. I know... easier said than done. Its hard to fight for something you want because of the amount of strength it takes... its so much easier to sit on your ass & wait for it to come to you, which it very well may, but how long are you willing to wait?

I can't wait anymore. I've had it. Its so easy to get comfortable in a situation, but after a while you start to think about the difference between comfort & actual happiness. I'm comfortable, but am I really happy where I am in my life? Typically it's a domino effect... once one thing starts to look up, slowly but surely, other things will too. And if they don't on their own, you're going to want them to... & the motivation you get from the one thing that goes well, will hopefully be enough to push you into making the rest of it happen. It works both ways though... or at least for me it does. Something bad happens & I usually just wait for the rest of the world to come crashing down. Which is so terrible... but that's the usual trend. At this stage in my life, I don't want to sit back & let things happen on their own... we are the masters of our own destiny right? Make it how you want it & don't let anyone get in your way. What's the worst that could happen? Don't be afraid.

There are so many terrible people in this world, its easy to forget that there are plenty of good ones too... & believe it or not, not everyone is out to get you. I am a very guarded person & I have every right to be. I am just trying to figure out how & when to let my walls down... & with who. Its a learning process & its scary... because by keeping those walls up, yea I'm definitely keeping out the bad guys... but I am also losing out on the good guys. I've always wanted to see the good in people & in the past that has jaded me from seeing the bad... & as a result, I've been burned. So now its reversed & the rose colored glasses are off. I don't look for the good first anymore... which I want to change. As much as I want to keep the bad guys out, I want to let the good ones in. We can't live our lives constantly looking over our shoulders... or I can't at least. Yea, I've been hurt & I'll probably get hurt again... but I will learn from it, move forward with my head up & maybe kick a little dust in the faces of those fools as I walk away... but just a little ;)

Because like it says in the quote; Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes". "They" can be a job, a friend, a love interest... anyone or anything.

Don't let someone elses bad choices or ignorance be your demise.

m.

infinity.

Of all the things I am, I am NEVER bored with my life. Although there are the occasional lulls... for the most part, I feel as though I keep things fairly exciting. Not necessarily by choice, but exciting nonetheless. At the moment, things are substantially slower than ever, but I like it like that. I'm SO ready for that. I don't want or need the dramatics... who does? For the longest time, I lived what I considered to be a pretty normal life, and I felt bad for the poor saps who constantly had something to worry about. I mean, we all have something to worry about, but I mean big issues... like "get a grip" kind of issues.

Then, I became one of those poor saps. Wah-wah-wahhhhh.

By NO MEANS, do I or have I, ever wanted sympathy from anyone. Empathy maybe, but never sympathy. We all have our baggage, so I know that I'm no different from anyone else. But having someone who can relate to your pain, your sadness, your situation; whether it’s good or bad is always comforting. "I've been there", "I am there", "I know how you feel"... all fabulous phrases of comfort to hear when you're going through something. To me, there's nothing is more obnoxious than someone telling you how "great things are eventually going to be", or how "it's going to get worse before it gets better". Really!? No shit. Thank you for stating the friggin' obvious. I'm bummed out, not stupid.

I am a realist. But don't get it twisted. I am also a compassionate person who feels for people & will comfort someone who needs it, but by no means will I cloud someone's head with crap for the sake of trying to make them feel better. I know things are going to suck for a while & the person's pain isn't going to go away by me saying "it's going to be ok"... because 9 times out of 10, it IS going to be ok & chances are, they know that. But they're sad... so let them be sad. Cry with me, relate... & if you can't, just be there... don't try to say things that are going to make me want to punch you in the face. Everyone is different though, & I guess we all take different approaches to the way we handle things. I want to be comforted with reality… no false pretenses. I'm not saying emphasize their pain & be like "Wow... that really sucks, I'd hate to be you right now", because that just makes you a jackass. But just be there, be a friend, don't be a Hallmark card. We throw those out.

I felt that the rollercoaster I was on was never going to stop. There was always another drop, another sharp corner, another reason to scream. But the one thing that brought me comfort was knowing that even if it didn’t ever stop (which I don't think it does... maybe just goes into cruise control), I wasn’t alone on that ride. Everyone goes through their share of chaos… & everyone has been on that rollercoaster & probably will be again at some point. And just as my friends were riding with me, I will always ride with them.

After you go through enough, & the same people prove time & time again that they will be there, there is no doubt that those people will be there forever… for infinity. There is no better feeling than when your friends become your family. My friends are the best, craziest, funniest, most beautiful people I know. Without them, who knows what I would be. Actually I do know… I’d be insane, poorly dressed, & really bored.

I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support group. We often tend to focus on the things we don’t have & let what we do have fall by the wayside. At the end of the day, I’m lucky & I know it. I feel bad for the people who don’t have good friends… I see it all the time… this one hates that one… who talks shit about this one… yet they pretend to be the best of friends. Then there are the people who just don’t have any friends in general. The girl that has “acquaintances” but no real friends she’s close to. Those are the people to worry about. Uhhhh, why is no one close to you? What did you do to have NO friends? Hmmmm… helloooooooo red flag!! That was my problem… dummy. But you live & you learn.

There are very few things in life that go on forever. Very few things that you can rely on as a constant. Those things, no matter what they are, need to be honored & appreciated. What I can see for forever in my life are the relationships I have with the people I love. Even if the person passes away, I still talk to them & continue to keep the relationship alive. My friends & my family have been there for me through my darkest hours; picking me up off the floor (literally & figuratively), giving me a shoulder to cry on, a reason to laugh, & a reason not to give up.

It’s not who pushes you that matters… it’s who catches you when you fall.

m.

stay tuned.

It’s not easy to face the reality of a painful truth. To face a failure or a disappointment head on is one of the most difficult things to admit to yourself. So you hide it... block it out… that’s the easy way. Stepping outside of yourself; out of the situation & examining it from another angle is what brings true clarity. When you’re in it, you’re just looking for reasons why & how it happened to you. When you’re out of it, you can see that it is what it is… no matter what the reason, & you can't change it. It’s crazy how a situation you thought was so complicated can be so cut & dry. What someone else does to you is their decision, how you let it impact your life is yours. Break through those self imposed limitations... & try your hardest not to have a pity party (at least not a long one). If we just got the hell out of our own way, we could avoid so many of these bumps in the road. A lot of times we just don’t let ourselves move forward… & I don’t think its intentional. It’s one of those places you end up in where you kinda feel bad for yourself… & its not that you enjoy the self pity, you just get comfortable there, because to get out, takes a lot more effort… effort that you can’t really find the strength in to apply, because when you’re in such a crappy spot, you really don’t think you have it in you. Everyone & their mother can tell you how strong you are but it’s you that has to make the effort to push through. And that’s where the uncertainty comes in… & who wants to face that!? But we have to. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery. We just loooooove to blame the way we’re feeling on what we’ve gone through, who hurt us, anything… & that's normal. But the reality of it is this; yes… those things may have gotten you to that place, but it is our own fears & doubts that are keeping us there.

We’re so afraid of letting go of the past because we’re so afraid of taking hold of the future. I mean, we have every reason to be afraid of the future… the unknown is scary. But if the past wasn’t so great, we should really be looking forward to what’s to come, right!? What do we have to lose!? I know for me, “the eternal pessimist” (a label I am not happy with & am intently trying to change)… I automatically think the future is full of the same crap the past was, so I’m ok staying where I am. I’ve mastered my drama by now, I know it. The security of knowing makes us feel better. We need it. That’s why so many of us look to psychics, horoscopes, & even Magic friggin’ 8 Balls to put our minds at ease regarding the future. And no matter what they tell us, as long as you can feel even the slightest bit of relief in knowing what kinda/sorta might happen… you can breathe easy. You get some peace of mind. Ridiculous, yet so incredibly comforting all at once. I am absolutely one of those people. I need the affirmation. It’s bizarre; why wouldn’t I have enough faith in myself & my life to know I can have a good future? It’s comical, really. We can be such dopes sometimes.

But to not be willing to move forward because we can’t let go of a sucky occurrence from our past? What are we holding onto? Hurt? Betrayal? Oh yea… wouldn’t want to let go of that, right? Puh-lease! Pure craziness… it’s so weird what makes us tick & how fear can keep us glued to the floor. But in order to fully let go, you have to face it… head on. And that’s what we have such a struggle with… that’s what we’re so damn afraid of. To stare those truths in the face, kiss em’ right on the lips, say "buh-bye" & walk away. Why is it so hard!? That’s what I’m trying to figure out… the past has passed… be done with it! Be excited for what’s ahead… not afraid.

We live in a scary world full of things & people ready & willing to tear our heads off & our hearts out. It is definitely a dog eat dog world & everyone is out for themselves. I never want to be considered one of those people... I'm not selfish & I don't want to be associated with people that are. However, we do need to make sure that we take care of ourselves first & don't get wrapped up in making everyone under the sun happy. Guard yourself. Build walls. And my fave; GLOVES UP. Once you've been burned it's hard to let someone else in. But trust yourself... trust your gut & if it doesn't feel right, it's not. Do not force yourself into anything you aren't comfortable with no matter what anyone says. Do it all in your own time... at your own pace. Little by little it will all come together. We can only hope. It's tough... a double edge sword for sure. I try not to think of the future too much these days... just looking to go with the flow... & see where the next gust of wind takes me.

Stay tuned.

m.

instant karma; just add ______.

In the words put forth best by John Lennon; instant karma's gonna get you, gonna knock you right on the head, you better get yourself together, pretty soon you're gonna be dead.

I don’t believe in much, but I do believe in karma. What you put out there is what will eventually come back to you; good or bad. It may not necessarily be ‘instant’, but no matter how long it takes, it does come back, so watch your ass & heed the words of so many of our mothers; ‘do unto others as you would want others to do unto you. It’s the ethic of reciprocity… better known as the Golden Rule; an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment, & a responsibility to ensure justice for others. Reciprocity is arguably the most essential basis for the modern concept of human rights (thanks, wikipedia!). In a nutshell, it’s the concept of not sucking at life, & doing the right thing.

There is no doubt we live in a dirty, selfish world, full of people out for themselves, who will step on whoever they can to get where they want to go in this life. And yes, those people will most likely reach their destination, free & clear, but only for a short time will they enjoy it. There will always be a drawback; a price to pay… that bitch we call karma. But everyone's karma is different... we create our own. The majority of us can say (and probably don’t like to admit) that we have all done something at some point that was to the benefit of ourselves, while at the detriment of someone else. It happens. You live & you learn… but to continue that pattern is only going to destroy you in the long run. By no means am I saying live your life to solely please others… because as I said, we do indeed live in a dirty, selfish world… so make sure you are pleasing the right people, while pleasing yourself in the process because without a doubt; life is too short.

Be careful who you trust, who you share your life with… because you never know what people's motives really are. Your life is special, so not just anyone should be able to stroll right in & set up shop. Until you know you can really trust someone, it's ok to guard your heart, build walls, & keep your GLOVES UP. It might not be the best way to live, but in this world & in my opinion, it’s the only way to live. It’s not fun getting burned… the recovery is long & painful; nothing I ever want to live through again, or would want to see anyone I love have to face. But it’s those times that we are able to see clearly, who is meant to be in our lives & who can just fade away. It’s the people who will walk through the fire with you that you know you can trust.

I always lived my life giving people the benefit of the doubt… thinking that there was good to be seen in everyone. Which yes… 9 times out of 10 there is… but now, I can wait to see the good… I look for the bad first. Weed those suckers out right away. I always thought that I was good at reading people; good at seeing through the bullshit. And for the most part, I was. But there are always those one or two sneak attacks that fly right beneath the radar & get ya. At the time, I wish I didn’t go through what I did… saw it coming sooner & wasn’t so naïve, but now I look back at the shit storm & am thankful for all I’ve learned… not just about myself, but about the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I should thank those responsible for the person I’ve become… but I won’t.

I hate the phrases 'what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger' and 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' because really guy? Are you trying to kill me? How strong are you actually looking to make me? Unless there’s this master plan that I’m unaware of for me to become the next Dalai Lama, I’m pretty sure I’m good in that department. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve seen a lot & so have the people in my life. It’s safe to say that we’re an incredibly strong bunch. We’re lucky to be standing, lucky to live to tell these stories, & lucky to have each other to lean on when things get ugly again. We’re all patiently awaiting our karma in the meantime.

Until then, keep living the way you’re living. Add good to life & good will come back to you; add bad & expect that in return. And through all the bullshit that gets thrown at you, if you can look around & say 'well, it could be better… but then again, it could be worse', know you’re going to be alright; just hold tight to karma.

m.

seize the carp.

Loss of any kind is difficult. Loss through death, a break up, a falling out with a friend… it all changes you. Routines are broken; phones don’t ring as often, bedrooms are empty, certain meals are never made again (or not the same way at least). Not having that person in your life anymore is an adjustment. They say that every person you encounter that has had an impact on your life leaves footprints on your heart when they go… which, when they leave peacefully, sure… totally… I’m all about the footprints. But in other cases, most cases, I think we can all agree that although you can’t see them, we’ve got scars all over from the things, people, & situations we’ve encountered. Me, for example… I’m covered in scars. Some old & healed up… others almost there… & a few stragglers still open that I’m workin’ on. But those scars make me who I am... & even though I sometimes wish I didn't have so many; I'm thankful... because I'm a better, stronger person because of them.

It's true that 'life's a journey... not a destination'. Completing that journey & getting through it, whether you coast through like a champ or come out torn & tattered, crawling on your hands & knees... all that matters is that you made it & you can live to tell about it. Go you ;)

I’ve always taken loss very hard… very personal. Even if it was a death… I would be sad that the person was gone, but also sad for me... because they left me. Selfish, I know… but I love hard… so no matter how you leave, when you do… it cuts deep & it takes a while for me to heal. I alone have seen too many deaths at my young age that when I think about it; it's close to impossible to fully wrap my head around. I look at my parents… my father specifically… who has lost 2 fathers, 2 brothers, & a mother… & I feel like… how in the hell are you still standing, dude? Starting from the age of 7 when his father passed… up until today, that man has seen it all. Do I think that he’d be a different man if he hadn’t gone through what he did? Absolutely. A better man? No. He wouldn’t look at things in the same way… he wouldn’t have strong values & an amazing appreciation for life if he didn’t fight like he did. Both of my parents have been through their share of losses… and here they are; both standing strong today, rockin’ their scars like medals of honor, still showing my brother & I what it’s like to keep going… to do what needs to be done… & not to give up on the life you have… while at the same time, remembering the life you had.

Same thing goes with a breakup or when a friend walks out of your life for one reason or another. People change you... you put so much of yourself into these relationships (well, I do at least) & when they go, sometimes they take parts of you with them... & then there you are; left with a giant void to fill. Awesome. And it’s not just you that it affects… everything you go through; good or bad, will affect the people who love you in some way. I remember one specific moment of an extremely low point in my life when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother & she looked at me with tears in her eyes & said “he took a part of you with him when he left… & I want my daughter back”. Holy hell… did that hit me hard. Just hearing it put so bluntly by someone else that my hurt was so deep & painful that it overflowed out of me & into my family & friends... made me sick. It's crazy how one person could totally jack up your world... understandable, but crazy. But for it to be jacked up so bad that my Mom is crying? That my friends are crying? Oh HELL no. I wasn't about to let that keep happening. It was time for a change.

So the decision to turn things around; pick myself up & fill that void, was absolutely for myself, but also for everyone else in my life. I did NOT want people to worry about me or have me be the cause of their pain. Who wants to be that guy? Those wounds are still healing, but taking the step to let them heal is huge.

“Have faith, say your prayers everyday”. If you know my Dad, chances are, you’re in his. He’s always saying “I say my prayers for him/her every day”. Somehow, even with all he’s been through, the man still has enough faith left in him to pray & kiss his cross daily. Like clockwork. I admire that. It’s hard for me to have faith. I’ve seen so many horrible things happen to me & the people around me; it’s really tough to think that the shit storm actually will end someday & things will eventually change. I'm one of those people who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knooow… it’s a terrible way to think, but until reality swoops in & kisses me on the nose instead of punches me in the stomach, sorry folks. This girl is set in her ways on this one.

My faith is shaken. And in my opinion, rightfully so.

But I can confidently say that I do want to see things change for the better… & having a negative mind frame isn’t going to let it happen. So for now, until I can do it on my own, I will draw my faith from everyone else… from the people that do believe that there is good in others, that bad things don’t always happen, and that yea… there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until I get there, I will never know… but for now, feeling around in the dark & at least making the attempt to move forward works for me.

I don’t want to live my life miserable & think everyone’s out to get me… & ya know what… if they are, I don’t care. I’m going to worry about myself & the people I love… I want to make memories, have fun, laugh, cry, love… LIVE. Life is too friggin’ short to dwell on the things we can’t do shit about. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a treadmill… where I’m trying so hard to move forward… but something is keeping me in the same spot…it’s easy to get discouraged, & yea, we all have days when all we want to do is cry, sleep, bitch, whatever. But lucky for me, I’ve got the most amazing people backing me up & pushing me forward.

It isn’t what it could be… it isn’t what it should be… but it is what it is. Be happy you made it through each shit show; but don’t relive it… & don’t regret it. It all makes you who you are.

A very good friend of mine made me smile with this line;
“Seize the Carp… Everybody Wang Chung, Yo!”

Yes, I know… Carpe Diem = Seize the Day… but mix it up… be unconventional!! And always Wang Chung… whatever the frig that means to you… make it your own ;)

m.

the jumpoff.

Hello all, and welcome to my very first blog. Basically the idea for me to start 'blogging' came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine about getting our asses in gear and creating more successful, fulfilling lives for ourselves. Sitting around bitching and complaining about how little money we have and what we need and want but don't have, isn't going to get anyone anywhere except in most cases... to the bar. That's where I derived the name of my blog from. "Jesus Take the Wheel... I'm Drunk" isn't saying anything bad about religion, so those of you who are already upset by the title can relax... my mother being one of you. What I mean by that is, people often use the phrase "WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?)"... you see it on bumper stickers, bracelets, keychains, mugs, magnets, all that fun stuff. Through the many trials and tribulations of our lives, people turn to religion to get through. Although I do not consider myself to be religious, I was raised Catholic & do believe much of what is stated in the Bible... but I do not believe it all. We all have our own views; I will never knock yours, so please, do not knock mine. I see myself as more of a spiritual person than anything else... and I guess the more you read, the more you will understand that about me.

Often times, we find ourselves in situations that we have no idea how to handle, so we typically do one of three things; make the completely wrong decision all on our own... ask someone else for advice, when 9 times out of 10 you do what you want anyway... (its like a part of you almost needs to verify that your choice is absolutely the wrong one)... or lastly, you think about what you really want to do, ask the people who know you the best and who you trust the most for their opinions, have an internal debate with yourself to figure out the healthiest way to navigate the situation, and then when totally clear-headed, execute the best possible solution (the most intelligent, yet least traveled road).

In my case, I have explored all of these avenues, countless times and at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that I just didn't want to be responsible for making these crucial, life-changing decisions anymore... call me crazy, but I wasn't friggin' good at it and someone else needed to "take the wheel"... and that's where JC came in. I obviously wasn't doing a good job of navigating through my own life... so who better!? And for the "I'm drunk" part... well, a good majority of us really can't say we've never tuned to the bottle when things got a little tough. Forgive me for not being strong enough to get through my hardships on my own... it's not like I was partying it up in clubs and dancing on tables... all of my realizations happened in the comfort of my apartment, with good friends by my side. Ya can't fault me for that.

So here we go...

I've always wondered what it takes for some people to get motivated. I guess I've always seen myself as a motivated person... but at the same time, just like anyone else, I can easily get discouraged and be like 'F this noise... it's not worth it.' For me, I find motivation through a lot of different things... however, where that motivation takes me is entirely another story. Sometimes to a positive place, sometimes a negative place, and sometimes I land in-between... you know, in that sucky spot where you can't figure out which end is up and you know that life isn't that bad, but at the same time you just wanna stay put because you feel like if you make any sudden moves shit can just totally go south? Forgive me for not thinking everything is sunshine and rainbows... because more often then not, I've been dealt a ummmm... 'less than stellar' hand... so I'm just going off what I know.

Finding motivation in people; my friends, my family, my enemies (or enemY, to be more specific)... that can take me ANYWHERE. Finding motivation in a state of mind; happiness, sadness, emptiness, lonliness, fulfillment... again, can take me ANYWHERE. But taking that risk, and throwing yourself into that motivation, wherever it stems from is scary... because like I said, I can land ANYWHERE. So its so important to be incredibly selective and 100% look before you leap... because hot damn... you can land yourself in a mighty dark place.

For the most part, I try find motivation, comfort, and sanity in two things: my sense of humor and music. If I can laugh, it's all good. I am a comedy snob... and try to only surround myself with people who are going to make me laugh and enrich my life in some way. Laughter is without a doubt, the best medicine, the best therapy, the best cure. My cure. That and music. Without that combo, who knows what the hell I'd be right now... holy train wreck, kids.

Whether its a song that's going to let me cry and dig deep... or a song that's going to make me want to get up and shake it... or the best songs; the kind of song that takes you to a place that makes you happy... where you can remember exactly where you were and who you were with when you heard it... whether its an old school joint that makes me think of my parents or my brother... or a song that was just a vital point... a memorable point in my life... it all feels ok for that moment. Everyone should have a soundtrack to their life. I happen to have volumes upon volumes to my soundtrack... but there should be at least 5 to 10 good songs you can name that can make you feel something somewhere inside you.

So this is my beginning... "the jumpoff" to the things that matter to me. Read it if you want... or don't. Free will homies. Some things will make you laugh, some may make you cry. Some may make you want to stop reading and be like "this b!tch is crazy/stupid/<insert your adjective here>"... and others will make you want to know more. Some may upset you; although that is not my intention. My opinions are my own... you can agree or disagree... just don't judge me. As they say; "walk a mile in my shoes".

Basically, all I want to do is make you laugh, make you think, open your heart and your mind a bit, and give you a little glimpse into me... someone who many people have told me is guarded, changed, funny, crazy, un-readable, loyal, strong, confusing... you name it. Take it or leave it... this is me. Like everyone, I have good days and bad... so not everything will be pleasant... know that going in. Life is a crap-shoot. So if I don't know what's around the next corner for me, you sure as hell don't either. So don't think what you read yesterday will be what you're going to read today... anyone that knows me, knows I'm FULL of surprises ;)

This is basically my public journal... the beginning of what I hope to make into a book someday.

Enjoy,
m.