As yet another year comes to a close; I can look back & smile. Although it was chaotic, stressful, & full of twists & turns… it could have been worse. Possibly one of the better years I’ve had in a while. I’ve learned to take chances, think less, act more, & be more careful with who I let in & out of my life. Some people needed to go who just wouldn’t… & others wanted to go who I’d do anything to have stay. You know the whole “if you love something let it go… blah blah blah” thing... that’s crap. I mean, it’s not crap, because it works… but I just don’t want to. Simple as that. I'm going to let something go just so I can torture myself while I impatiently wait to see if it comes back!? Sick. Sick. Sick. I can’t take the games life forces us to play. I hear it constantly… “you have to play the game”… “you have to be like this, for that to happen”. Why can't I just be myself, & let things unfold on their own? If we’re the masters of our own destiny, why do we need to steer off course, bob, weave, & do whatever other ridiculous maneuvers to get to the destination we want? I’ll tell you right now; if I love you, I’m going to say it. If I want you, you’re going to know it. Why should I keep my mouth shut when I have something to say or pretend to be busy when I’m not? The mind games are ridiculous because in reality, we’re not playing with anyone’s mind but our own. I get mind f—ked enough by everyone else in my life; I don’t need to contribute.
I’m hoping that at some point things will play out as they should. Things do happen for a reason. Bad things, good things… it’s all in some master plan written out somewhere. My plan just happens to change so damn much I can’t keep up anymore. I’m exhausted. I just want to be on a smooth course for a while… & maybe just maybe have it lead me to a life of just a little bit of certainty. Although nothing is certain… just a touch of it would be nice.
Closing the door to 2010 gives no kind of certainty to the fact that 2011 will be any better or worse. All we can do is hope that we see a little less bad, a little more good, & become a lot more aware to the things in our lives that are truly important & push the weight off our shoulders that carried us down the year before.
m.
