Too Strong to Lose.

I've got another confession to make... I'm your fool.

Everyone's got their chains to break... holdin' you.

Were you born to resist... or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head... without your noose.
You gave me something that I didn't have... but had no use.

I was too weak to give in... too strong to lose.

My heart is under arrest again... but I break loose.

My head is giving me life or death... but I can't choose.

I swear I'll never give in... I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel.

You trust, you must... confess.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel.

The life, the love you'd die to heal.

The hope that starts, the broken hearts.

You trust, you must... confess.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend... I'm no fool.

I'm getting tired of starting again... somewhere new.

Were you born to resist... or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in... I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must... Confess.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the start of a new year, like most people, I look back at what the previous year has brought me & what I want for myself in the year ahead. 2013 was undoubtedly a year I will never forget. I've faced tremendous loss, while simultaneously gaining tremendous love. My faith has been tested in ways I wasn't ready for, but somehow I'm still standing. For most of us, every day is a battle. How we fight those battles will determine the pieces of ourselves that make up our character... and our character is everything.   

We absolutely have the ability to choose our own happiness. We accept the love we think we deserve and we are the masters of our own destiny. We often make the mistake of thinking that these things are out of our control with rationalizations like "you can't choose who you fall in love with"... and it's true, you can't, but you can choose how you react to the way that love affects you, good or bad. We cannot control the actions of others... we can only hope that the people we let in won't hurt us, that they treat us with the same respect we do them and that their hearts are true. But when all we've hoped for falls apart, who is to blame? Is it our fault for putting so much of ourselves into something? Or is it their fault for not seeing the good that's in front of them? We've all been guilty of letting someone get the best of us. 

The obvious solution is to build walls around yourself to make sure that shit doesn't happen again. Obvious yes... but also very stupid. Not only will you be missing out on something potentially amazing that could make you really happy (even for a short time), but you'll also be depriving someone else of your awesomeness. 

I have always prided myself on following my heart and sometimes, well most times, well pretty much every time, I've gotten my ass kicked. I love hard... so if I love you, I'm going to make sure you know it... every day. Tomorrow isn't promised and with all the terrible things I've seen in this life, love seems to be the only thing that softens the blow. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of love on someone I thought was worthy of my heart. I tossed out other relationships whenever he'd pop back up in my life & every time he let me down. He was always very selfish, I just chose not to see it. Thank God I finally did, because he never deserved me. 

I've once again found myself in a situation where following my heart has landed me in a less-than-stellar position... and ironically, it was a direct result of him following his. But this time it's a bit different... and a lot more worth the battle. I can only hope things work in my favor, but ultimately it's out of my hands. All I can say is that when you're lucky enough to find someone with a beautiful heart, don't let them go. Remember that true, genuine things are rarely perfect. Same goes for people. We all screw up. The years will keep coming at us faster and faster and we have to make the best of them. 

Come and get it, 2014!

m.

I've been afraid of changing...

While driving home today I heard Landslide, by Fleetwood Mac on the radio. Such an amazing song… while listening, my mind began to flow…

All throughout our lives we’re taught to “be careful”… “don’t do that”… “don’t go there”. For most of us, there has always been someone there, protecting us & lighting our way. But what happens when the light goes out & we’re on our own? How do we know which direction to take? Will we be ok walking those paths all alone? Life is made up of a series of decisions & experiences that ultimately make us the people we grow to be. As long as the good outweigh the bad, we’ll usually always be on the “right” side of the tracks. But what happens when the line between good & bad is so fine, it’s impossible to tell which outcome to expect? The risk that may be too risky… the safe bet that may be too safe… what determines the right or wrong in a situation? We don’t want to disappoint the people who held the light & laid out the groundwork for us by screwing it up… BUT ultimately, the choices we make are our own. People can guide us & give us all the advice in the world… but at the end of the day, we’re going to do what we want to do. As soon as we start heading for a cliff they jump in & try save us because somehow, someway, someone always seems to know what’s better for you than you do. And maybe they do. Or maybe, falling off that cliff, climbing back up & getting back on that path is just what you needed to gain a little perspective for the next time.

All my life I’ve played it safe. Of course, like everyone, I’ve had my moments, but overall, I’d consider myself a safe, fairly predictable person. Good grades, graduated college, got a decent job, good friends, good family. I’ve done everything to this point the way “they" say (whoever the hell "they" are) things should be done to live a full, happy life. So, what now? Once that checklist is complete isn’t the rest of my life supposed to just unfold into perfection?! Where is the happy ending I signed up for?! No one told me I'd have to keep on working at it... ugh, what a bitch. What happens when even the most safe, secure situations fall to pieces? What if you get your “happy ending” & years later it blows up into a million pieces?! Easy. YOU KEEP GOING.

You get scared into the realization that nothing is guaranteed & almost everything in life is a risk. A lesson I am so thankful I’ve learned. A lesson that led me to where I am today.

The truth is, not all equations add up. Not everything makes sense & not everything has to be done “right” for it to work for you. My idea of perfect might be your idea of a disaster. Some people may look at the things I do as crazy, but I see them as risks worth taking. I do believe there is a life course drawn out for us… but I also believe that what’s drawn out is the safest route. The route that our Mothers took, that their Mothers took, & so on. Not that the lives they chose were wrong, because for them, it worked. We wouldn’t be here if they chose differently, but I’m sure they’d have much more interesting stories to tell if they added in some more excitement. We can absolutely stay on that course, but veering off every so often to take the scenic route is always an excellent idea.

A friend of mine who is currently living in Spain said something to me that really stuck. I asked her why after graduating from college & already being away from her family for 4 years would she want to travel overseas to a country where she barely spoke the language, when she could be getting her life & career started here? Her reply: “I don’t want to wake up one day & say that I haven’t done anything fun with my life. I want to have great stories to tell my kids.”

I’m on the cusp of my 29th birthday & have realized I have a resume full of boring. I need to switch it up.

So in collaboration with adding some points to my life resume, I’ve slooowly been making the transition from pessimist to optimist. Actions speak louder than words, so if I don’t work to create the happiness & excitement I long for, I can’t be upset when it doesn’t happen. Although looking at the glass half empty comes so much easier than looking at it as half full, I am determined. The only way I can change for the better is if I look at things with an open mind & tackle them head on with a positive outlook. The person dancing all night at a party is always having a better time than the one complaining that the music is too loud.

With that, as with any change, comes a ton of fear. To help me along the way, I’ve been channeling the optimism of someone very important to me. He has convinced me that thinking positive will lead to acting positive, which will lead to living positive. I’m still in phase 1, haha. As a part of that, I’ve been reading a handful of positive quotes every day. There is so much truth & power in words & the most profound things can be said in just a line or two. The one I found this morning is the perfect way to close:

“Pessimism leads to weakness; Optimism leads to power.”
~William James

m.

Hear no Evil. Speak no Evil. See no Evil.

si•lence
noun \ˈsī-lən(t)s\
1: forbearance from speech or noise : muteness —often used interjectionally
2: absence of sound or noise : stillness
3: absence of mention: a : oblivion, obscurity b : secrecy

Silence is…
Golden, it's Guilty, Uncertain, & Deep
it lingers, it wallows, disguises & creeps.

Transforms a decision to keep your mouth closed,
into thoughts created by another to flow.

You're a liar, you're smart, you're reflecting, unsure...
On the surface seems simple, yet inside much more.

It may not have been your initial intent,
but your silence has caused my heart to resent.

You're silent to “protect”? Your soul or mine?
Just stand up & speak… before you run out of time.

Silence is golden.
Silence is deadly.
Silence is peaceful.
Silence is LOUD.
Silence is guilty.
Silence is confused.
And sometimes… Silence is better off.

Initially created by Chinese philosophers & passed to Japan (according to Wikipedia), the photo I posted at the very top, as I'm sure you've seen before, was originally depicted by 3 monkeys & not Slater, Pink, & Dawson via Dazed & Confused (I liked their picture better). It is believed to have been adopted from Confuscious' Code of Conduct, as a way to depict man's life cycle. Within the various meanings associated with the proverb including associations with being of good mind, speech, & action, in the Western world it is often used to refer to those who deal with impropriety by looking the other way, refusing to acknowledge it, or feigning ignorance.

I started writing this piece ages ago. So many things brought my thoughts to life, I had to get it all down & try to make sense of it. Silence in any type of relationship, can have so much meaning. Whether you're afraid to hurt someone else or afraid to hurt yourself...

Fear drives silence.

No matter how silence is intended, its meaning is often misconstrued. When we were kids, our parents would say, “sticks & stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you”. But really, words, as well as a lack thereof, can crush you. Just as the right words can make you feel like you're on top of the world, the wrong ones can make you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel... & having said nothing at all can tear you apart inside with wonder. But there are times when silence speaks volumes. The knowing... the never needing to say anything at all, is what really counts in some cases. But other times, in those insecure moments where if you don’t know what someone is thinking or feeling… it’s enough to make you insane. Although you may be silent to avoid conflict or sidestep a complicated situation, your words could be all someone else needs to be set free... even if it hurts. Although it is said & I agree that "actions speak louder than words", sometimes words are all you have...

Words can be venom to your soul or music to your ears.

I am a person of voice. I need to talk & I love to listen. I want you to tell me what you’re thinking & how you’re feeling. Don’t make me guess… because I will & if I’m wrong, you’ll be mad for my false assumptions. Quite the double edge sword, I know. I tend to be a glutton for punishment. I'd rather risk being hurt for saying what I feel rather then regret never saying it at all. I need to get it out for the simple fear of regret. Whether someone passes away, moves on & out of your life, or a situation slips through your fingers where you could have, should have, but didn't say anything... the weight of regret is a heavy one. I've said it before... if I love you, you know it. I don't hang up the phone or walk out the door without saying I love you to my family... just as each day is a new beginning it can also be an end.

m.

lock it up.

As yet another year comes to a close; I can look back & smile. Although it was chaotic, stressful, & full of twists & turns… it could have been worse. Possibly one of the better years I’ve had in a while. I’ve learned to take chances, think less, act more, & be more careful with who I let in & out of my life. Some people needed to go who just wouldn’t… & others wanted to go who I’d do anything to have stay.

You know the whole “if you love something let it go… blah blah blah” thing... that’s crap. I mean, it’s not crap, because it works… but I just don’t want to. Simple as that. I'm going to let something go just so I can torture myself while I impatiently wait to see if it comes back!? Sick. Sick. Sick. I can’t take the games life forces us to play. I hear it constantly… “you have to play the game”… “you have to be like this, for that to happen”. Why can't I just be myself, & let things unfold on their own? If we’re the masters of our own destiny, why do we need to steer off course, bob, weave, & do whatever other ridiculous maneuvers to get to the destination we want? I’ll tell you right now; if I love you, I’m going to say it. If I want you, you’re going to know it. Why should I keep my mouth shut when I have something to say or pretend to be busy when I’m not? The mind games are ridiculous because in reality, we’re not playing with anyone’s mind but our own. I get mind f—ked enough by everyone else in my life; I don’t need to contribute.

I’m hoping that at some point things will play out as they should. Things do happen for a reason. Bad things, good things… it’s all in some master plan written out somewhere. My plan just happens to change so damn much I can’t keep up anymore. I’m exhausted. I just want to be on a smooth course for a while… & maybe just maybe have it lead me to a life of just a little bit of certainty. Although nothing is certain… just a touch of it would be nice.

Closing the door to 2010 gives no kind of certainty to the fact that 2011 will be any better or worse. All we can do is hope that we see a little less bad, a little more good, & become a lot more aware to the things in our lives that are truly important & push the weight off our shoulders that carried us down the year before.

m.

leapin' without lookin'.

I haven’t written in forever, I know. Well, not that I haven’t written, but I’ve been quite selective as to what I want to keep to myself and what I want to share with the world. My cousin told me that if I ever wanted to be a writer, I had to expose it all and let people read everything and let everyone into my life. It’s scary but he’s right. If I want to make something of all this, I guess I have to start somewhere. Going forward, you’ll be reading more of a raw, real me… complete with the stories to back it all up. Here goes…

If you would have told me a year ago where I’d be today I wouldn’t believe you. Lots of good, lots of bad, lots of everything has gone down in the last 365 days. And once again, I find myself scratching my head wondering how the hell I got where I am. But this time, I do it with a smile and a sigh of relief. For the most part, the tears are dry, the pain has faded, and I can safely say the hurt is gone. For now.

This time last year I was still caught up in the tangled web of my crazy life… not knowing which end was up, but pretending to. I think a lot of us do that; pretend to have it together when inside, we’re falling apart. I was still holding on to the tiny shreds of what was left of a dead relationship, I was jobless, grieving over the loss of my Aunt, and my love affair with red wine and beer was not only turning my liver against me, but also giving me a gut. Not a good look.

I didn’t know what was ahead of me, but I knew I wanted and needed a change. My friends and I cleverly came up with “Zen in Twenty-Ten” and “Twenty-Zen” as our mottos for the year. Unfortunately, we later came to find that creating a catchy, cutesy name for something does not by ANY MEANS determine the actual follow through of any situation.

In comparison to previous years, 2010 was actually pretty good despite the usual dramatics and bullshit I'm used to. It brought me a lot of positives and I feel like I learned a lot about myself. I got a clear view of the people I want and need in my life and the people I don’t. I’ve learned that a disappointment is a disappointment no matter how you slice it… to stop making excuses for people… that some people NEVER change… to believe in the people that deserve to be believed in… and to believe in myself, no matter how hard that seems to be at times.

Just as some people made an exit from my life, others made a grand entrance. And the ones that have been there all along have proved to me yet again, that they’re with me for the long haul. I am truly blessed.

Something happened to me this year that I never thought was possible again. I fell in love. He came into my life out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. Something clicked and before I knew it I found myself in a bi-coastal relationship with someone I had never even kissed. For whatever reason, there was none of my usual dramatic over-thinking to get in the way, I just went with it. I don't know what it was, but something was so different about him. Something was so different about us. No one understood it and I’m glad because what we had was really special; something only the two of us could grasp. Something about him set me at ease and in no time I found myself taking all of these risks and facing my fears head on; falling in love again, putting myself way out there, flying, and traveling alone. Despite numerous panic attacks, I did it (thank you, xanex) and it was worth every minute. We had the most amazing time together and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I never thought I’d ever be able to fully be myself with anyone again. I never thought my walls would come down, but he made it easy for me to trust him. He made me feel good about myself again. I am so grateful to him for bringing me back to life. Being so far away forced us to get to know each other in ways that a lot of other couples don’t. We learned in just a few months what most couples learn about each other in years. Although the relationship didn’t last, I gained an amazing friend out of it and I wouldn’t change a thing. I still love him.

That situation alone has allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. I opened myself up to something and someone completely new and it was amazing. Taking risks and swimming in uncharted waters isn’t exactly something I particularly enjoy… or so I thought. All it took was the right circumstance to get me moving. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and was pleasantly surprised to see what I was capable of.

I think about all the time I wasted on little things that don't matter. I allowed so much irrelevant shit that I just couldn't let go of to haunt me for so long. I was exhausting myself... running full speed on a treadmill - putting in all this effort to get nowhere. Now, I am focused on moving forward with a clear (or clearer) head and keeping my eye on the prize. I want big things for myself and my life... I know thats what I deserve.

My Dad said something to me that made a lot of sense: "Mick, some people are lucky enough to have happiness fall right in their lap and others have to go out and find it. Unfortunately, you are one of the 'others', honey... so go find it... no matter where it takes you." Well, I'm goin'.

Life is all about taking chances afterall.

m.

sink or swim...

As a kid, learning to swim & going under water was the best thing ever. Whether you held your nose or not (to this DAY I hold my nose), you know you felt like a champ the first time you did it. Even if you got water in your eyes or nose, it wasn’t the end of the world; you just kept jumping in, rushing to the bottom, & pushing off with all your might to re-surface again. I know for me, it took all my mother had to get me out of the pool. NOW… well now is a different story.

As an adult, we do all we can just to stay afloat. The idea of going under water brings on stress, sweats, panic attacks… & my favorite term; "aggeda" (ah-juh-duh... who knows what the actual spelling of that word is, but you ask any Italian & they will know what you mean). We are constantly finding ourselves in situations where at some point, we run out of breath & struggle to stay at the surface. Just once, I’d like to sit comfortably, floating on a raft with a margarita on the rocks. But then again, if you think about the strength it takes to stay at the surface, it’s a toss up on which role I’d really want to play when it comes down to it. As they say, only the strong survive… go ahead; flip over one of those jackasses on a raft; see what happens. They’ll probably look to one of the rest of us to save em’.

In the last few years, I would constantly find myself emerging from that pool; choking, with water in my eyes & nose... & my hair in my face. I always hoped for that one day I would come up gracefully; unscathed, with everything intact. Or maybe spice it up a bit & make em’ laugh with an old school George Washington do’. But through it all, I somehow managed to find comfort in my disarray. I was pleasantly surprised (in the nicest way possible of course) to find other people out of breath as well. Not to take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, but it’s always good to know that you’re not alone. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one afraid of going under again, or wondering if I had the strength to come up the next time, set me at ease. No matter who had their foot on my head holding me under, I knew I had someone to pull me back up to the surface. I'm very lucky... regardless of how dark my days ever get, I have so many life jackets being thrown to my rescue.

Unfortunately, in the last few years, I was in pretty good company in that pool. But watching the people I love go through their shit & come out ok was an inspiration. It let me know that I could do it too. That no matter what, I would be ok. Those people... & their stories... would help me though. The last decade (not to mention just the last few years) has brought on the loss of parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, cousins, aunts, uncles, lovers, friends, etc. to the people around me in unbelievable numbers. The losses we’ve all faced in recent years alone has kicked us in the stomach with more reality than any of us would like to, or ever be willing to take. But in this life, for as many choices we have, there’s just as many that we don’t. It is what it is. You gotta take it… like it or not. It’s HOW you take it that makes you… or breaks you. With so many things there is a gray area that will help you skate through some situations… but not everything is always black & white… and at the end of the day, it comes down to whether or not you want to sink or swim.

The way I see it is that you can go through life being a window shopper… checking out all the possibilities of what you want, or could someday become… admiring everyone else. Or... you can be a high roller & risk it all to be who you want & get the best out of this life. I do believe that this won’t be our first time around… & for many of us, we’ve been here before… but I can only count on the life I’m living at the moment… the life that I can remember as me & look back on & not regret. I refuse to be a window shopper. With my luck, I’ll come back as a cavity or something, so I personally am not willing to take that risk ;)

I was fortunate enough to have one last heart to heart with my Aunt Lena, one of the most important people in my life, before she passed away in June. She always gave me the best advice & knocked reality into me like no one else could. She told me that she wanted me to live the life I deserved... & left me with words that will stick with me forever... "I love you & I want you to always be happy... & make sure that the lucky bastard that marries you treats you right or I'm gonna haunt him forever. But more importantly, make yourself happy first." That among many other things she's said, have been imprinted in my heart. She was a smart woman ;) There is no one like my Aunt Lena.

As we approach a new year & a new decade, I want to dive in with a clean slate. Leaving all the bullshit behind me & start fresh with a new outlook & new goals to reach. I think the majority of us feel that way. Everyone I talk to seems SO ready to say goodbye to this last decade & even more so to this year. I know I am more than ready & willing to move forward & grab the future by the balls. So in happiness & good health, here’s to 2010…!!

my new motto: “TWENTY-TEN BABY!!”

Salute!!
m.

the way i see it.

On a day like today... where all I want to do is bury my head in my blankets & never emerge, I try my damnedest to find some kind of motivation.

On a day like today... where all of the insecurities of my life have seemed to band together & gang up on me, I try my damnedest to find strength.

On a day like today... with a sky filled with gray clouds & gloom, I try my damnedest to find a reason not to cry & just let it all consume me.

Today... is just one of those days.

I discovered the next bit of enlightenment from quite an unlikely place. I mean, I guess if I'm going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee, I should get a little more out of the deal, right? So thank you, my dear friends at Starbucks.

I stumbled on this quote a few months ago... it struck me, so I took a picture of it with my cell phone because I knew these words would come in handy one day. And here we are.

The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do no do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes".

-- Keith Olbermann, broadcast journalist

It's so true. Aside from the people who love & care about you, anyone else could really care less... & are pretty much chomping at the bit to step on you if it meant they would get ahead. The world is full of people who will doubt you, judge you, & criticize you. But ultimately, you are the one who makes the final call to prove them right or wrong. It sounds so cliche but its true; if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. You can't count on anyone to do your bidding for you... know what you are worth & if you want something, go after it. I know... easier said than done. Its hard to fight for something you want because of the amount of strength it takes... its so much easier to sit on your ass & wait for it to come to you, which it very well may, but how long are you willing to wait?

I can't wait anymore. I've had it. Its so easy to get comfortable in a situation, but after a while you start to think about the difference between comfort & actual happiness. I'm comfortable, but am I really happy where I am in my life? Typically it's a domino effect... once one thing starts to look up, slowly but surely, other things will too. And if they don't on their own, you're going to want them to... & the motivation you get from the one thing that goes well, will hopefully be enough to push you into making the rest of it happen. It works both ways though... or at least for me it does. Something bad happens & I usually just wait for the rest of the world to come crashing down. Which is so terrible... but that's the usual trend. At this stage in my life, I don't want to sit back & let things happen on their own... we are the masters of our own destiny right? Make it how you want it & don't let anyone get in your way. What's the worst that could happen? Don't be afraid.

There are so many terrible people in this world, its easy to forget that there are plenty of good ones too... & believe it or not, not everyone is out to get you. I am a very guarded person & I have every right to be. I am just trying to figure out how & when to let my walls down... & with who. Its a learning process & its scary... because by keeping those walls up, yea I'm definitely keeping out the bad guys... but I am also losing out on the good guys. I've always wanted to see the good in people & in the past that has jaded me from seeing the bad... & as a result, I've been burned. So now its reversed & the rose colored glasses are off. I don't look for the good first anymore... which I want to change. As much as I want to keep the bad guys out, I want to let the good ones in. We can't live our lives constantly looking over our shoulders... or I can't at least. Yea, I've been hurt & I'll probably get hurt again... but I will learn from it, move forward with my head up & maybe kick a little dust in the faces of those fools as I walk away... but just a little ;)

Because like it says in the quote; Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes". "They" can be a job, a friend, a love interest... anyone or anything.

Don't let someone elses bad choices or ignorance be your demise.

m.