seize the carp.

Loss of any kind is difficult. Loss through death, a break up, a falling out with a friend… it all changes you. Routines are broken; phones don’t ring as often, bedrooms are empty, certain meals are never made again (or not the same way at least). Not having that person in your life anymore is an adjustment. They say that every person you encounter that has had an impact on your life leaves footprints on your heart when they go… which, when they leave peacefully, sure… totally… I’m all about the footprints. But in other cases, most cases, I think we can all agree that although you can’t see them, we’ve got scars all over from the things, people, & situations we’ve encountered. Me, for example… I’m covered in scars. Some old & healed up… others almost there… & a few stragglers still open that I’m workin’ on. But those scars make me who I am... & even though I sometimes wish I didn't have so many; I'm thankful... because I'm a better, stronger person because of them.

It's true that 'life's a journey... not a destination'. Completing that journey & getting through it, whether you coast through like a champ or come out torn & tattered, crawling on your hands & knees... all that matters is that you made it & you can live to tell about it. Go you ;)

I’ve always taken loss very hard… very personal. Even if it was a death… I would be sad that the person was gone, but also sad for me... because they left me. Selfish, I know… but I love hard… so no matter how you leave, when you do… it cuts deep & it takes a while for me to heal. I alone have seen too many deaths at my young age that when I think about it; it's close to impossible to fully wrap my head around. I look at my parents… my father specifically… who has lost 2 fathers, 2 brothers, & a mother… & I feel like… how in the hell are you still standing, dude? Starting from the age of 7 when his father passed… up until today, that man has seen it all. Do I think that he’d be a different man if he hadn’t gone through what he did? Absolutely. A better man? No. He wouldn’t look at things in the same way… he wouldn’t have strong values & an amazing appreciation for life if he didn’t fight like he did. Both of my parents have been through their share of losses… and here they are; both standing strong today, rockin’ their scars like medals of honor, still showing my brother & I what it’s like to keep going… to do what needs to be done… & not to give up on the life you have… while at the same time, remembering the life you had.

Same thing goes with a breakup or when a friend walks out of your life for one reason or another. People change you... you put so much of yourself into these relationships (well, I do at least) & when they go, sometimes they take parts of you with them... & then there you are; left with a giant void to fill. Awesome. And it’s not just you that it affects… everything you go through; good or bad, will affect the people who love you in some way. I remember one specific moment of an extremely low point in my life when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother & she looked at me with tears in her eyes & said “he took a part of you with him when he left… & I want my daughter back”. Holy hell… did that hit me hard. Just hearing it put so bluntly by someone else that my hurt was so deep & painful that it overflowed out of me & into my family & friends... made me sick. It's crazy how one person could totally jack up your world... understandable, but crazy. But for it to be jacked up so bad that my Mom is crying? That my friends are crying? Oh HELL no. I wasn't about to let that keep happening. It was time for a change.

So the decision to turn things around; pick myself up & fill that void, was absolutely for myself, but also for everyone else in my life. I did NOT want people to worry about me or have me be the cause of their pain. Who wants to be that guy? Those wounds are still healing, but taking the step to let them heal is huge.

“Have faith, say your prayers everyday”. If you know my Dad, chances are, you’re in his. He’s always saying “I say my prayers for him/her every day”. Somehow, even with all he’s been through, the man still has enough faith left in him to pray & kiss his cross daily. Like clockwork. I admire that. It’s hard for me to have faith. I’ve seen so many horrible things happen to me & the people around me; it’s really tough to think that the shit storm actually will end someday & things will eventually change. I'm one of those people who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knooow… it’s a terrible way to think, but until reality swoops in & kisses me on the nose instead of punches me in the stomach, sorry folks. This girl is set in her ways on this one.

My faith is shaken. And in my opinion, rightfully so.

But I can confidently say that I do want to see things change for the better… & having a negative mind frame isn’t going to let it happen. So for now, until I can do it on my own, I will draw my faith from everyone else… from the people that do believe that there is good in others, that bad things don’t always happen, and that yea… there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until I get there, I will never know… but for now, feeling around in the dark & at least making the attempt to move forward works for me.

I don’t want to live my life miserable & think everyone’s out to get me… & ya know what… if they are, I don’t care. I’m going to worry about myself & the people I love… I want to make memories, have fun, laugh, cry, love… LIVE. Life is too friggin’ short to dwell on the things we can’t do shit about. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a treadmill… where I’m trying so hard to move forward… but something is keeping me in the same spot…it’s easy to get discouraged, & yea, we all have days when all we want to do is cry, sleep, bitch, whatever. But lucky for me, I’ve got the most amazing people backing me up & pushing me forward.

It isn’t what it could be… it isn’t what it should be… but it is what it is. Be happy you made it through each shit show; but don’t relive it… & don’t regret it. It all makes you who you are.

A very good friend of mine made me smile with this line;
“Seize the Carp… Everybody Wang Chung, Yo!”

Yes, I know… Carpe Diem = Seize the Day… but mix it up… be unconventional!! And always Wang Chung… whatever the frig that means to you… make it your own ;)

m.