lock it up.

As yet another year comes to a close; I can look back & smile. Although it was chaotic, stressful, & full of twists & turns… it could have been worse. Possibly one of the better years I’ve had in a while. I’ve learned to take chances, think less, act more, & be more careful with who I let in & out of my life. Some people needed to go who just wouldn’t… & others wanted to go who I’d do anything to have stay.

You know the whole “if you love something let it go… blah blah blah” thing... that’s crap. I mean, it’s not crap, because it works… but I just don’t want to. Simple as that. I'm going to let something go just so I can torture myself while I impatiently wait to see if it comes back!? Sick. Sick. Sick. I can’t take the games life forces us to play. I hear it constantly… “you have to play the game”… “you have to be like this, for that to happen”. Why can't I just be myself, & let things unfold on their own? If we’re the masters of our own destiny, why do we need to steer off course, bob, weave, & do whatever other ridiculous maneuvers to get to the destination we want? I’ll tell you right now; if I love you, I’m going to say it. If I want you, you’re going to know it. Why should I keep my mouth shut when I have something to say or pretend to be busy when I’m not? The mind games are ridiculous because in reality, we’re not playing with anyone’s mind but our own. I get mind f—ked enough by everyone else in my life; I don’t need to contribute.

I’m hoping that at some point things will play out as they should. Things do happen for a reason. Bad things, good things… it’s all in some master plan written out somewhere. My plan just happens to change so damn much I can’t keep up anymore. I’m exhausted. I just want to be on a smooth course for a while… & maybe just maybe have it lead me to a life of just a little bit of certainty. Although nothing is certain… just a touch of it would be nice.

Closing the door to 2010 gives no kind of certainty to the fact that 2011 will be any better or worse. All we can do is hope that we see a little less bad, a little more good, & become a lot more aware to the things in our lives that are truly important & push the weight off our shoulders that carried us down the year before.

m.

leapin' without lookin'.

I haven’t written in forever, I know. Well, not that I haven’t written, but I’ve been quite selective as to what I want to keep to myself and what I want to share with the world. My cousin told me that if I ever wanted to be a writer, I had to expose it all and let people read everything and let everyone into my life. It’s scary but he’s right. If I want to make something of all this, I guess I have to start somewhere. Going forward, you’ll be reading more of a raw, real me… complete with the stories to back it all up. Here goes…

If you would have told me a year ago where I’d be today I wouldn’t believe you. Lots of good, lots of bad, lots of everything has gone down in the last 365 days. And once again, I find myself scratching my head wondering how the hell I got where I am. But this time, I do it with a smile and a sigh of relief. For the most part, the tears are dry, the pain has faded, and I can safely say the hurt is gone. For now.

This time last year I was still caught up in the tangled web of my crazy life… not knowing which end was up, but pretending to. I think a lot of us do that; pretend to have it together when inside, we’re falling apart. I was still holding on to the tiny shreds of what was left of a dead relationship, I was jobless, grieving over the loss of my Aunt, and my love affair with red wine and beer was not only turning my liver against me, but also giving me a gut. Not a good look.

I didn’t know what was ahead of me, but I knew I wanted and needed a change. My friends and I cleverly came up with “Zen in Twenty-Ten” and “Twenty-Zen” as our mottos for the year. Unfortunately, we later came to find that creating a catchy, cutesy name for something does not by ANY MEANS determine the actual follow through of any situation.

In comparison to previous years, 2010 was actually pretty good despite the usual dramatics and bullshit I'm used to. It brought me a lot of positives and I feel like I learned a lot about myself. I got a clear view of the people I want and need in my life and the people I don’t. I’ve learned that a disappointment is a disappointment no matter how you slice it… to stop making excuses for people… that some people NEVER change… to believe in the people that deserve to be believed in… and to believe in myself, no matter how hard that seems to be at times.

Just as some people made an exit from my life, others made a grand entrance. And the ones that have been there all along have proved to me yet again, that they’re with me for the long haul. I am truly blessed.

Something happened to me this year that I never thought was possible again. I fell in love. He came into my life out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. Something clicked and before I knew it I found myself in a bi-coastal relationship with someone I had never even kissed. For whatever reason, there was none of my usual dramatic over-thinking to get in the way, I just went with it. I don't know what it was, but something was so different about him. Something was so different about us. No one understood it and I’m glad because what we had was really special; something only the two of us could grasp. Something about him set me at ease and in no time I found myself taking all of these risks and facing my fears head on; falling in love again, putting myself way out there, flying, and traveling alone. Despite numerous panic attacks, I did it (thank you, xanex) and it was worth every minute. We had the most amazing time together and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I never thought I’d ever be able to fully be myself with anyone again. I never thought my walls would come down, but he made it easy for me to trust him. He made me feel good about myself again. I am so grateful to him for bringing me back to life. Being so far away forced us to get to know each other in ways that a lot of other couples don’t. We learned in just a few months what most couples learn about each other in years. Although the relationship didn’t last, I gained an amazing friend out of it and I wouldn’t change a thing. I still love him.

That situation alone has allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. I opened myself up to something and someone completely new and it was amazing. Taking risks and swimming in uncharted waters isn’t exactly something I particularly enjoy… or so I thought. All it took was the right circumstance to get me moving. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and was pleasantly surprised to see what I was capable of.

I think about all the time I wasted on little things that don't matter. I allowed so much irrelevant shit that I just couldn't let go of to haunt me for so long. I was exhausting myself... running full speed on a treadmill - putting in all this effort to get nowhere. Now, I am focused on moving forward with a clear (or clearer) head and keeping my eye on the prize. I want big things for myself and my life... I know thats what I deserve.

My Dad said something to me that made a lot of sense: "Mick, some people are lucky enough to have happiness fall right in their lap and others have to go out and find it. Unfortunately, you are one of the 'others', honey... so go find it... no matter where it takes you." Well, I'm goin'.

Life is all about taking chances afterall.

m.