sink or swim...

As a kid, learning to swim & going under water was the best thing ever. Whether you held your nose or not (to this DAY I hold my nose), you know you felt like a champ the first time you did it. Even if you got water in your eyes or nose, it wasn’t the end of the world; you just kept jumping in, rushing to the bottom, & pushing off with all your might to re-surface again. I know for me, it took all my mother had to get me out of the pool. NOW… well now is a different story.

As an adult, we do all we can just to stay afloat. The idea of going under water brings on stress, sweats, panic attacks… & my favorite term; "aggeda" (ah-juh-duh... who knows what the actual spelling of that word is, but you ask any Italian & they will know what you mean). We are constantly finding ourselves in situations where at some point, we run out of breath & struggle to stay at the surface. Just once, I’d like to sit comfortably, floating on a raft with a margarita on the rocks. But then again, if you think about the strength it takes to stay at the surface, it’s a toss up on which role I’d really want to play when it comes down to it. As they say, only the strong survive… go ahead; flip over one of those jackasses on a raft; see what happens. They’ll probably look to one of the rest of us to save em’.

In the last few years, I would constantly find myself emerging from that pool; choking, with water in my eyes & nose... & my hair in my face. I always hoped for that one day I would come up gracefully; unscathed, with everything intact. Or maybe spice it up a bit & make em’ laugh with an old school George Washington do’. But through it all, I somehow managed to find comfort in my disarray. I was pleasantly surprised (in the nicest way possible of course) to find other people out of breath as well. Not to take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, but it’s always good to know that you’re not alone. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one afraid of going under again, or wondering if I had the strength to come up the next time, set me at ease. No matter who had their foot on my head holding me under, I knew I had someone to pull me back up to the surface. I'm very lucky... regardless of how dark my days ever get, I have so many life jackets being thrown to my rescue.

Unfortunately, in the last few years, I was in pretty good company in that pool. But watching the people I love go through their shit & come out ok was an inspiration. It let me know that I could do it too. That no matter what, I would be ok. Those people... & their stories... would help me though. The last decade (not to mention just the last few years) has brought on the loss of parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, cousins, aunts, uncles, lovers, friends, etc. to the people around me in unbelievable numbers. The losses we’ve all faced in recent years alone has kicked us in the stomach with more reality than any of us would like to, or ever be willing to take. But in this life, for as many choices we have, there’s just as many that we don’t. It is what it is. You gotta take it… like it or not. It’s HOW you take it that makes you… or breaks you. With so many things there is a gray area that will help you skate through some situations… but not everything is always black & white… and at the end of the day, it comes down to whether or not you want to sink or swim.

The way I see it is that you can go through life being a window shopper… checking out all the possibilities of what you want, or could someday become… admiring everyone else. Or... you can be a high roller & risk it all to be who you want & get the best out of this life. I do believe that this won’t be our first time around… & for many of us, we’ve been here before… but I can only count on the life I’m living at the moment… the life that I can remember as me & look back on & not regret. I refuse to be a window shopper. With my luck, I’ll come back as a cavity or something, so I personally am not willing to take that risk ;)

I was fortunate enough to have one last heart to heart with my Aunt Lena, one of the most important people in my life, before she passed away in June. She always gave me the best advice & knocked reality into me like no one else could. She told me that she wanted me to live the life I deserved... & left me with words that will stick with me forever... "I love you & I want you to always be happy... & make sure that the lucky bastard that marries you treats you right or I'm gonna haunt him forever. But more importantly, make yourself happy first." That among many other things she's said, have been imprinted in my heart. She was a smart woman ;) There is no one like my Aunt Lena.

As we approach a new year & a new decade, I want to dive in with a clean slate. Leaving all the bullshit behind me & start fresh with a new outlook & new goals to reach. I think the majority of us feel that way. Everyone I talk to seems SO ready to say goodbye to this last decade & even more so to this year. I know I am more than ready & willing to move forward & grab the future by the balls. So in happiness & good health, here’s to 2010…!!

my new motto: “TWENTY-TEN BABY!!”

Salute!!
m.