infinity.

Of all the things I am, I am NEVER bored with my life. Although there are the occasional lulls... for the most part, I feel as though I keep things fairly exciting. Not necessarily by choice, but exciting nonetheless. At the moment, things are substantially slower than ever, but I like it like that. I'm SO ready for that. I don't want or need the dramatics... who does? For the longest time, I lived what I considered to be a pretty normal life, and I felt bad for the poor saps who constantly had something to worry about. I mean, we all have something to worry about, but I mean big issues... like "get a grip" kind of issues.

Then, I became one of those poor saps. Wah-wah-wahhhhh.

By NO MEANS, do I or have I, ever wanted sympathy from anyone. Empathy maybe, but never sympathy. We all have our baggage, so I know that I'm no different from anyone else. But having someone who can relate to your pain, your sadness, your situation; whether it’s good or bad is always comforting. "I've been there", "I am there", "I know how you feel"... all fabulous phrases of comfort to hear when you're going through something. To me, there's nothing is more obnoxious than someone telling you how "great things are eventually going to be", or how "it's going to get worse before it gets better". Really!? No shit. Thank you for stating the friggin' obvious. I'm bummed out, not stupid.

I am a realist. But don't get it twisted. I am also a compassionate person who feels for people & will comfort someone who needs it, but by no means will I cloud someone's head with crap for the sake of trying to make them feel better. I know things are going to suck for a while & the person's pain isn't going to go away by me saying "it's going to be ok"... because 9 times out of 10, it IS going to be ok & chances are, they know that. But they're sad... so let them be sad. Cry with me, relate... & if you can't, just be there... don't try to say things that are going to make me want to punch you in the face. Everyone is different though, & I guess we all take different approaches to the way we handle things. I want to be comforted with reality… no false pretenses. I'm not saying emphasize their pain & be like "Wow... that really sucks, I'd hate to be you right now", because that just makes you a jackass. But just be there, be a friend, don't be a Hallmark card. We throw those out.

I felt that the rollercoaster I was on was never going to stop. There was always another drop, another sharp corner, another reason to scream. But the one thing that brought me comfort was knowing that even if it didn’t ever stop (which I don't think it does... maybe just goes into cruise control), I wasn’t alone on that ride. Everyone goes through their share of chaos… & everyone has been on that rollercoaster & probably will be again at some point. And just as my friends were riding with me, I will always ride with them.

After you go through enough, & the same people prove time & time again that they will be there, there is no doubt that those people will be there forever… for infinity. There is no better feeling than when your friends become your family. My friends are the best, craziest, funniest, most beautiful people I know. Without them, who knows what I would be. Actually I do know… I’d be insane, poorly dressed, & really bored.

I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support group. We often tend to focus on the things we don’t have & let what we do have fall by the wayside. At the end of the day, I’m lucky & I know it. I feel bad for the people who don’t have good friends… I see it all the time… this one hates that one… who talks shit about this one… yet they pretend to be the best of friends. Then there are the people who just don’t have any friends in general. The girl that has “acquaintances” but no real friends she’s close to. Those are the people to worry about. Uhhhh, why is no one close to you? What did you do to have NO friends? Hmmmm… helloooooooo red flag!! That was my problem… dummy. But you live & you learn.

There are very few things in life that go on forever. Very few things that you can rely on as a constant. Those things, no matter what they are, need to be honored & appreciated. What I can see for forever in my life are the relationships I have with the people I love. Even if the person passes away, I still talk to them & continue to keep the relationship alive. My friends & my family have been there for me through my darkest hours; picking me up off the floor (literally & figuratively), giving me a shoulder to cry on, a reason to laugh, & a reason not to give up.

It’s not who pushes you that matters… it’s who catches you when you fall.

m.

stay tuned.

It’s not easy to face the reality of a painful truth. To face a failure or a disappointment head on is one of the most difficult things to admit to yourself. So you hide it... block it out… that’s the easy way. Stepping outside of yourself; out of the situation & examining it from another angle is what brings true clarity. When you’re in it, you’re just looking for reasons why & how it happened to you. When you’re out of it, you can see that it is what it is… no matter what the reason, & you can't change it. It’s crazy how a situation you thought was so complicated can be so cut & dry. What someone else does to you is their decision, how you let it impact your life is yours. Break through those self imposed limitations... & try your hardest not to have a pity party (at least not a long one). If we just got the hell out of our own way, we could avoid so many of these bumps in the road. A lot of times we just don’t let ourselves move forward… & I don’t think its intentional. It’s one of those places you end up in where you kinda feel bad for yourself… & its not that you enjoy the self pity, you just get comfortable there, because to get out, takes a lot more effort… effort that you can’t really find the strength in to apply, because when you’re in such a crappy spot, you really don’t think you have it in you. Everyone & their mother can tell you how strong you are but it’s you that has to make the effort to push through. And that’s where the uncertainty comes in… & who wants to face that!? But we have to. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery. We just loooooove to blame the way we’re feeling on what we’ve gone through, who hurt us, anything… & that's normal. But the reality of it is this; yes… those things may have gotten you to that place, but it is our own fears & doubts that are keeping us there.

We’re so afraid of letting go of the past because we’re so afraid of taking hold of the future. I mean, we have every reason to be afraid of the future… the unknown is scary. But if the past wasn’t so great, we should really be looking forward to what’s to come, right!? What do we have to lose!? I know for me, “the eternal pessimist” (a label I am not happy with & am intently trying to change)… I automatically think the future is full of the same crap the past was, so I’m ok staying where I am. I’ve mastered my drama by now, I know it. The security of knowing makes us feel better. We need it. That’s why so many of us look to psychics, horoscopes, & even Magic friggin’ 8 Balls to put our minds at ease regarding the future. And no matter what they tell us, as long as you can feel even the slightest bit of relief in knowing what kinda/sorta might happen… you can breathe easy. You get some peace of mind. Ridiculous, yet so incredibly comforting all at once. I am absolutely one of those people. I need the affirmation. It’s bizarre; why wouldn’t I have enough faith in myself & my life to know I can have a good future? It’s comical, really. We can be such dopes sometimes.

But to not be willing to move forward because we can’t let go of a sucky occurrence from our past? What are we holding onto? Hurt? Betrayal? Oh yea… wouldn’t want to let go of that, right? Puh-lease! Pure craziness… it’s so weird what makes us tick & how fear can keep us glued to the floor. But in order to fully let go, you have to face it… head on. And that’s what we have such a struggle with… that’s what we’re so damn afraid of. To stare those truths in the face, kiss em’ right on the lips, say "buh-bye" & walk away. Why is it so hard!? That’s what I’m trying to figure out… the past has passed… be done with it! Be excited for what’s ahead… not afraid.

We live in a scary world full of things & people ready & willing to tear our heads off & our hearts out. It is definitely a dog eat dog world & everyone is out for themselves. I never want to be considered one of those people... I'm not selfish & I don't want to be associated with people that are. However, we do need to make sure that we take care of ourselves first & don't get wrapped up in making everyone under the sun happy. Guard yourself. Build walls. And my fave; GLOVES UP. Once you've been burned it's hard to let someone else in. But trust yourself... trust your gut & if it doesn't feel right, it's not. Do not force yourself into anything you aren't comfortable with no matter what anyone says. Do it all in your own time... at your own pace. Little by little it will all come together. We can only hope. It's tough... a double edge sword for sure. I try not to think of the future too much these days... just looking to go with the flow... & see where the next gust of wind takes me.

Stay tuned.

m.

instant karma; just add ______.

In the words put forth best by John Lennon; instant karma's gonna get you, gonna knock you right on the head, you better get yourself together, pretty soon you're gonna be dead.

I don’t believe in much, but I do believe in karma. What you put out there is what will eventually come back to you; good or bad. It may not necessarily be ‘instant’, but no matter how long it takes, it does come back, so watch your ass & heed the words of so many of our mothers; ‘do unto others as you would want others to do unto you. It’s the ethic of reciprocity… better known as the Golden Rule; an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment, & a responsibility to ensure justice for others. Reciprocity is arguably the most essential basis for the modern concept of human rights (thanks, wikipedia!). In a nutshell, it’s the concept of not sucking at life, & doing the right thing.

There is no doubt we live in a dirty, selfish world, full of people out for themselves, who will step on whoever they can to get where they want to go in this life. And yes, those people will most likely reach their destination, free & clear, but only for a short time will they enjoy it. There will always be a drawback; a price to pay… that bitch we call karma. But everyone's karma is different... we create our own. The majority of us can say (and probably don’t like to admit) that we have all done something at some point that was to the benefit of ourselves, while at the detriment of someone else. It happens. You live & you learn… but to continue that pattern is only going to destroy you in the long run. By no means am I saying live your life to solely please others… because as I said, we do indeed live in a dirty, selfish world… so make sure you are pleasing the right people, while pleasing yourself in the process because without a doubt; life is too short.

Be careful who you trust, who you share your life with… because you never know what people's motives really are. Your life is special, so not just anyone should be able to stroll right in & set up shop. Until you know you can really trust someone, it's ok to guard your heart, build walls, & keep your GLOVES UP. It might not be the best way to live, but in this world & in my opinion, it’s the only way to live. It’s not fun getting burned… the recovery is long & painful; nothing I ever want to live through again, or would want to see anyone I love have to face. But it’s those times that we are able to see clearly, who is meant to be in our lives & who can just fade away. It’s the people who will walk through the fire with you that you know you can trust.

I always lived my life giving people the benefit of the doubt… thinking that there was good to be seen in everyone. Which yes… 9 times out of 10 there is… but now, I can wait to see the good… I look for the bad first. Weed those suckers out right away. I always thought that I was good at reading people; good at seeing through the bullshit. And for the most part, I was. But there are always those one or two sneak attacks that fly right beneath the radar & get ya. At the time, I wish I didn’t go through what I did… saw it coming sooner & wasn’t so naïve, but now I look back at the shit storm & am thankful for all I’ve learned… not just about myself, but about the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I should thank those responsible for the person I’ve become… but I won’t.

I hate the phrases 'what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger' and 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' because really guy? Are you trying to kill me? How strong are you actually looking to make me? Unless there’s this master plan that I’m unaware of for me to become the next Dalai Lama, I’m pretty sure I’m good in that department. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve seen a lot & so have the people in my life. It’s safe to say that we’re an incredibly strong bunch. We’re lucky to be standing, lucky to live to tell these stories, & lucky to have each other to lean on when things get ugly again. We’re all patiently awaiting our karma in the meantime.

Until then, keep living the way you’re living. Add good to life & good will come back to you; add bad & expect that in return. And through all the bullshit that gets thrown at you, if you can look around & say 'well, it could be better… but then again, it could be worse', know you’re going to be alright; just hold tight to karma.

m.