seize the carp.

Loss of any kind is difficult. Loss through death, a break up, a falling out with a friend… it all changes you. Routines are broken; phones don’t ring as often, bedrooms are empty, certain meals are never made again (or not the same way at least). Not having that person in your life anymore is an adjustment. They say that every person you encounter that has had an impact on your life leaves footprints on your heart when they go… which, when they leave peacefully, sure… totally… I’m all about the footprints. But in other cases, most cases, I think we can all agree that although you can’t see them, we’ve got scars all over from the things, people, & situations we’ve encountered. Me, for example… I’m covered in scars. Some old & healed up… others almost there… & a few stragglers still open that I’m workin’ on. But those scars make me who I am... & even though I sometimes wish I didn't have so many; I'm thankful... because I'm a better, stronger person because of them.

It's true that 'life's a journey... not a destination'. Completing that journey & getting through it, whether you coast through like a champ or come out torn & tattered, crawling on your hands & knees... all that matters is that you made it & you can live to tell about it. Go you ;)

I’ve always taken loss very hard… very personal. Even if it was a death… I would be sad that the person was gone, but also sad for me... because they left me. Selfish, I know… but I love hard… so no matter how you leave, when you do… it cuts deep & it takes a while for me to heal. I alone have seen too many deaths at my young age that when I think about it; it's close to impossible to fully wrap my head around. I look at my parents… my father specifically… who has lost 2 fathers, 2 brothers, & a mother… & I feel like… how in the hell are you still standing, dude? Starting from the age of 7 when his father passed… up until today, that man has seen it all. Do I think that he’d be a different man if he hadn’t gone through what he did? Absolutely. A better man? No. He wouldn’t look at things in the same way… he wouldn’t have strong values & an amazing appreciation for life if he didn’t fight like he did. Both of my parents have been through their share of losses… and here they are; both standing strong today, rockin’ their scars like medals of honor, still showing my brother & I what it’s like to keep going… to do what needs to be done… & not to give up on the life you have… while at the same time, remembering the life you had.

Same thing goes with a breakup or when a friend walks out of your life for one reason or another. People change you... you put so much of yourself into these relationships (well, I do at least) & when they go, sometimes they take parts of you with them... & then there you are; left with a giant void to fill. Awesome. And it’s not just you that it affects… everything you go through; good or bad, will affect the people who love you in some way. I remember one specific moment of an extremely low point in my life when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother & she looked at me with tears in her eyes & said “he took a part of you with him when he left… & I want my daughter back”. Holy hell… did that hit me hard. Just hearing it put so bluntly by someone else that my hurt was so deep & painful that it overflowed out of me & into my family & friends... made me sick. It's crazy how one person could totally jack up your world... understandable, but crazy. But for it to be jacked up so bad that my Mom is crying? That my friends are crying? Oh HELL no. I wasn't about to let that keep happening. It was time for a change.

So the decision to turn things around; pick myself up & fill that void, was absolutely for myself, but also for everyone else in my life. I did NOT want people to worry about me or have me be the cause of their pain. Who wants to be that guy? Those wounds are still healing, but taking the step to let them heal is huge.

“Have faith, say your prayers everyday”. If you know my Dad, chances are, you’re in his. He’s always saying “I say my prayers for him/her every day”. Somehow, even with all he’s been through, the man still has enough faith left in him to pray & kiss his cross daily. Like clockwork. I admire that. It’s hard for me to have faith. I’ve seen so many horrible things happen to me & the people around me; it’s really tough to think that the shit storm actually will end someday & things will eventually change. I'm one of those people who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knooow… it’s a terrible way to think, but until reality swoops in & kisses me on the nose instead of punches me in the stomach, sorry folks. This girl is set in her ways on this one.

My faith is shaken. And in my opinion, rightfully so.

But I can confidently say that I do want to see things change for the better… & having a negative mind frame isn’t going to let it happen. So for now, until I can do it on my own, I will draw my faith from everyone else… from the people that do believe that there is good in others, that bad things don’t always happen, and that yea… there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until I get there, I will never know… but for now, feeling around in the dark & at least making the attempt to move forward works for me.

I don’t want to live my life miserable & think everyone’s out to get me… & ya know what… if they are, I don’t care. I’m going to worry about myself & the people I love… I want to make memories, have fun, laugh, cry, love… LIVE. Life is too friggin’ short to dwell on the things we can’t do shit about. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a treadmill… where I’m trying so hard to move forward… but something is keeping me in the same spot…it’s easy to get discouraged, & yea, we all have days when all we want to do is cry, sleep, bitch, whatever. But lucky for me, I’ve got the most amazing people backing me up & pushing me forward.

It isn’t what it could be… it isn’t what it should be… but it is what it is. Be happy you made it through each shit show; but don’t relive it… & don’t regret it. It all makes you who you are.

A very good friend of mine made me smile with this line;
“Seize the Carp… Everybody Wang Chung, Yo!”

Yes, I know… Carpe Diem = Seize the Day… but mix it up… be unconventional!! And always Wang Chung… whatever the frig that means to you… make it your own ;)

m.

the jumpoff.

Hello all, and welcome to my very first blog. Basically the idea for me to start 'blogging' came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine about getting our asses in gear and creating more successful, fulfilling lives for ourselves. Sitting around bitching and complaining about how little money we have and what we need and want but don't have, isn't going to get anyone anywhere except in most cases... to the bar. That's where I derived the name of my blog from. "Jesus Take the Wheel... I'm Drunk" isn't saying anything bad about religion, so those of you who are already upset by the title can relax... my mother being one of you. What I mean by that is, people often use the phrase "WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?)"... you see it on bumper stickers, bracelets, keychains, mugs, magnets, all that fun stuff. Through the many trials and tribulations of our lives, people turn to religion to get through. Although I do not consider myself to be religious, I was raised Catholic & do believe much of what is stated in the Bible... but I do not believe it all. We all have our own views; I will never knock yours, so please, do not knock mine. I see myself as more of a spiritual person than anything else... and I guess the more you read, the more you will understand that about me.

Often times, we find ourselves in situations that we have no idea how to handle, so we typically do one of three things; make the completely wrong decision all on our own... ask someone else for advice, when 9 times out of 10 you do what you want anyway... (its like a part of you almost needs to verify that your choice is absolutely the wrong one)... or lastly, you think about what you really want to do, ask the people who know you the best and who you trust the most for their opinions, have an internal debate with yourself to figure out the healthiest way to navigate the situation, and then when totally clear-headed, execute the best possible solution (the most intelligent, yet least traveled road).

In my case, I have explored all of these avenues, countless times and at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that I just didn't want to be responsible for making these crucial, life-changing decisions anymore... call me crazy, but I wasn't friggin' good at it and someone else needed to "take the wheel"... and that's where JC came in. I obviously wasn't doing a good job of navigating through my own life... so who better!? And for the "I'm drunk" part... well, a good majority of us really can't say we've never tuned to the bottle when things got a little tough. Forgive me for not being strong enough to get through my hardships on my own... it's not like I was partying it up in clubs and dancing on tables... all of my realizations happened in the comfort of my apartment, with good friends by my side. Ya can't fault me for that.

So here we go...

I've always wondered what it takes for some people to get motivated. I guess I've always seen myself as a motivated person... but at the same time, just like anyone else, I can easily get discouraged and be like 'F this noise... it's not worth it.' For me, I find motivation through a lot of different things... however, where that motivation takes me is entirely another story. Sometimes to a positive place, sometimes a negative place, and sometimes I land in-between... you know, in that sucky spot where you can't figure out which end is up and you know that life isn't that bad, but at the same time you just wanna stay put because you feel like if you make any sudden moves shit can just totally go south? Forgive me for not thinking everything is sunshine and rainbows... because more often then not, I've been dealt a ummmm... 'less than stellar' hand... so I'm just going off what I know.

Finding motivation in people; my friends, my family, my enemies (or enemY, to be more specific)... that can take me ANYWHERE. Finding motivation in a state of mind; happiness, sadness, emptiness, lonliness, fulfillment... again, can take me ANYWHERE. But taking that risk, and throwing yourself into that motivation, wherever it stems from is scary... because like I said, I can land ANYWHERE. So its so important to be incredibly selective and 100% look before you leap... because hot damn... you can land yourself in a mighty dark place.

For the most part, I try find motivation, comfort, and sanity in two things: my sense of humor and music. If I can laugh, it's all good. I am a comedy snob... and try to only surround myself with people who are going to make me laugh and enrich my life in some way. Laughter is without a doubt, the best medicine, the best therapy, the best cure. My cure. That and music. Without that combo, who knows what the hell I'd be right now... holy train wreck, kids.

Whether its a song that's going to let me cry and dig deep... or a song that's going to make me want to get up and shake it... or the best songs; the kind of song that takes you to a place that makes you happy... where you can remember exactly where you were and who you were with when you heard it... whether its an old school joint that makes me think of my parents or my brother... or a song that was just a vital point... a memorable point in my life... it all feels ok for that moment. Everyone should have a soundtrack to their life. I happen to have volumes upon volumes to my soundtrack... but there should be at least 5 to 10 good songs you can name that can make you feel something somewhere inside you.

So this is my beginning... "the jumpoff" to the things that matter to me. Read it if you want... or don't. Free will homies. Some things will make you laugh, some may make you cry. Some may make you want to stop reading and be like "this b!tch is crazy/stupid/<insert your adjective here>"... and others will make you want to know more. Some may upset you; although that is not my intention. My opinions are my own... you can agree or disagree... just don't judge me. As they say; "walk a mile in my shoes".

Basically, all I want to do is make you laugh, make you think, open your heart and your mind a bit, and give you a little glimpse into me... someone who many people have told me is guarded, changed, funny, crazy, un-readable, loyal, strong, confusing... you name it. Take it or leave it... this is me. Like everyone, I have good days and bad... so not everything will be pleasant... know that going in. Life is a crap-shoot. So if I don't know what's around the next corner for me, you sure as hell don't either. So don't think what you read yesterday will be what you're going to read today... anyone that knows me, knows I'm FULL of surprises ;)

This is basically my public journal... the beginning of what I hope to make into a book someday.

Enjoy,
m.