Hear no Evil. Speak no Evil. See no Evil.

si•lence
noun \ˈsī-lən(t)s\
1: forbearance from speech or noise : muteness —often used interjectionally
2: absence of sound or noise : stillness
3: absence of mention: a : oblivion, obscurity b : secrecy

Silence is…
Golden, it's Guilty, Uncertain, & Deep
it lingers, it wallows, disguises & creeps.

Transforms a decision to keep your mouth closed,
into thoughts created by another to flow.

You're a liar, you're smart, you're reflecting, unsure...
On the surface seems simple, yet inside much more.

It may not have been your initial intent,
but your silence has caused my heart to resent.

You're silent to “protect”? Your soul or mine?
Just stand up & speak… before you run out of time.

Silence is golden.
Silence is deadly.
Silence is peaceful.
Silence is LOUD.
Silence is guilty.
Silence is confused.
And sometimes… Silence is better off.

Initially created by Chinese philosophers & passed to Japan (according to Wikipedia), the photo I posted at the very top, as I'm sure you've seen before, was originally depicted by 3 monkeys & not Slater, Pink, & Dawson via Dazed & Confused (I liked their picture better). It is believed to have been adopted from Confuscious' Code of Conduct, as a way to depict man's life cycle. Within the various meanings associated with the proverb including associations with being of good mind, speech, & action, in the Western world it is often used to refer to those who deal with impropriety by looking the other way, refusing to acknowledge it, or feigning ignorance.

I started writing this piece ages ago. So many things brought my thoughts to life, I had to get it all down & try to make sense of it. Silence in any type of relationship, can have so much meaning. Whether you're afraid to hurt someone else or afraid to hurt yourself...

Fear drives silence.

No matter how silence is intended, its meaning is often misconstrued. When we were kids, our parents would say, “sticks & stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you”. But really, words, as well as a lack thereof, can crush you. Just as the right words can make you feel like you're on top of the world, the wrong ones can make you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel... & having said nothing at all can tear you apart inside with wonder. But there are times when silence speaks volumes. The knowing... the never needing to say anything at all, is what really counts in some cases. But other times, in those insecure moments where if you don’t know what someone is thinking or feeling… it’s enough to make you insane. Although you may be silent to avoid conflict or sidestep a complicated situation, your words could be all someone else needs to be set free... even if it hurts. Although it is said & I agree that "actions speak louder than words", sometimes words are all you have...

Words can be venom to your soul or music to your ears.

I am a person of voice. I need to talk & I love to listen. I want you to tell me what you’re thinking & how you’re feeling. Don’t make me guess… because I will & if I’m wrong, you’ll be mad for my false assumptions. Quite the double edge sword, I know. I tend to be a glutton for punishment. I'd rather risk being hurt for saying what I feel rather then regret never saying it at all. I need to get it out for the simple fear of regret. Whether someone passes away, moves on & out of your life, or a situation slips through your fingers where you could have, should have, but didn't say anything... the weight of regret is a heavy one. I've said it before... if I love you, you know it. I don't hang up the phone or walk out the door without saying I love you to my family... just as each day is a new beginning it can also be an end.

m.

lock it up.

As yet another year comes to a close; I can look back & smile. Although it was chaotic, stressful, & full of twists & turns… it could have been worse. Possibly one of the better years I’ve had in a while. I’ve learned to take chances, think less, act more, & be more careful with who I let in & out of my life. Some people needed to go who just wouldn’t… & others wanted to go who I’d do anything to have stay.

You know the whole “if you love something let it go… blah blah blah” thing... that’s crap. I mean, it’s not crap, because it works… but I just don’t want to. Simple as that. I'm going to let something go just so I can torture myself while I impatiently wait to see if it comes back!? Sick. Sick. Sick. I can’t take the games life forces us to play. I hear it constantly… “you have to play the game”… “you have to be like this, for that to happen”. Why can't I just be myself, & let things unfold on their own? If we’re the masters of our own destiny, why do we need to steer off course, bob, weave, & do whatever other ridiculous maneuvers to get to the destination we want? I’ll tell you right now; if I love you, I’m going to say it. If I want you, you’re going to know it. Why should I keep my mouth shut when I have something to say or pretend to be busy when I’m not? The mind games are ridiculous because in reality, we’re not playing with anyone’s mind but our own. I get mind f—ked enough by everyone else in my life; I don’t need to contribute.

I’m hoping that at some point things will play out as they should. Things do happen for a reason. Bad things, good things… it’s all in some master plan written out somewhere. My plan just happens to change so damn much I can’t keep up anymore. I’m exhausted. I just want to be on a smooth course for a while… & maybe just maybe have it lead me to a life of just a little bit of certainty. Although nothing is certain… just a touch of it would be nice.

Closing the door to 2010 gives no kind of certainty to the fact that 2011 will be any better or worse. All we can do is hope that we see a little less bad, a little more good, & become a lot more aware to the things in our lives that are truly important & push the weight off our shoulders that carried us down the year before.

m.

leapin' without lookin'.

I haven’t written in forever, I know. Well, not that I haven’t written, but I’ve been quite selective as to what I want to keep to myself and what I want to share with the world. My cousin told me that if I ever wanted to be a writer, I had to expose it all and let people read everything and let everyone into my life. It’s scary but he’s right. If I want to make something of all this, I guess I have to start somewhere. Going forward, you’ll be reading more of a raw, real me… complete with the stories to back it all up. Here goes…

If you would have told me a year ago where I’d be today I wouldn’t believe you. Lots of good, lots of bad, lots of everything has gone down in the last 365 days. And once again, I find myself scratching my head wondering how the hell I got where I am. But this time, I do it with a smile and a sigh of relief. For the most part, the tears are dry, the pain has faded, and I can safely say the hurt is gone. For now.

This time last year I was still caught up in the tangled web of my crazy life… not knowing which end was up, but pretending to. I think a lot of us do that; pretend to have it together when inside, we’re falling apart. I was still holding on to the tiny shreds of what was left of a dead relationship, I was jobless, grieving over the loss of my Aunt, and my love affair with red wine and beer was not only turning my liver against me, but also giving me a gut. Not a good look.

I didn’t know what was ahead of me, but I knew I wanted and needed a change. My friends and I cleverly came up with “Zen in Twenty-Ten” and “Twenty-Zen” as our mottos for the year. Unfortunately, we later came to find that creating a catchy, cutesy name for something does not by ANY MEANS determine the actual follow through of any situation.

In comparison to previous years, 2010 was actually pretty good despite the usual dramatics and bullshit I'm used to. It brought me a lot of positives and I feel like I learned a lot about myself. I got a clear view of the people I want and need in my life and the people I don’t. I’ve learned that a disappointment is a disappointment no matter how you slice it… to stop making excuses for people… that some people NEVER change… to believe in the people that deserve to be believed in… and to believe in myself, no matter how hard that seems to be at times.

Just as some people made an exit from my life, others made a grand entrance. And the ones that have been there all along have proved to me yet again, that they’re with me for the long haul. I am truly blessed.

Something happened to me this year that I never thought was possible again. I fell in love. He came into my life out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. Something clicked and before I knew it I found myself in a bi-coastal relationship with someone I had never even kissed. For whatever reason, there was none of my usual dramatic over-thinking to get in the way, I just went with it. I don't know what it was, but something was so different about him. Something was so different about us. No one understood it and I’m glad because what we had was really special; something only the two of us could grasp. Something about him set me at ease and in no time I found myself taking all of these risks and facing my fears head on; falling in love again, putting myself way out there, flying, and traveling alone. Despite numerous panic attacks, I did it (thank you, xanex) and it was worth every minute. We had the most amazing time together and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I never thought I’d ever be able to fully be myself with anyone again. I never thought my walls would come down, but he made it easy for me to trust him. He made me feel good about myself again. I am so grateful to him for bringing me back to life. Being so far away forced us to get to know each other in ways that a lot of other couples don’t. We learned in just a few months what most couples learn about each other in years. Although the relationship didn’t last, I gained an amazing friend out of it and I wouldn’t change a thing. I still love him.

That situation alone has allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. I opened myself up to something and someone completely new and it was amazing. Taking risks and swimming in uncharted waters isn’t exactly something I particularly enjoy… or so I thought. All it took was the right circumstance to get me moving. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and was pleasantly surprised to see what I was capable of.

I think about all the time I wasted on little things that don't matter. I allowed so much irrelevant shit that I just couldn't let go of to haunt me for so long. I was exhausting myself... running full speed on a treadmill - putting in all this effort to get nowhere. Now, I am focused on moving forward with a clear (or clearer) head and keeping my eye on the prize. I want big things for myself and my life... I know thats what I deserve.

My Dad said something to me that made a lot of sense: "Mick, some people are lucky enough to have happiness fall right in their lap and others have to go out and find it. Unfortunately, you are one of the 'others', honey... so go find it... no matter where it takes you." Well, I'm goin'.

Life is all about taking chances afterall.

m.

sink or swim...

As a kid, learning to swim & going under water was the best thing ever. Whether you held your nose or not (to this DAY I hold my nose), you know you felt like a champ the first time you did it. Even if you got water in your eyes or nose, it wasn’t the end of the world; you just kept jumping in, rushing to the bottom, & pushing off with all your might to re-surface again. I know for me, it took all my mother had to get me out of the pool. NOW… well now is a different story.

As an adult, we do all we can just to stay afloat. The idea of going under water brings on stress, sweats, panic attacks… & my favorite term; "aggeda" (ah-juh-duh... who knows what the actual spelling of that word is, but you ask any Italian & they will know what you mean). We are constantly finding ourselves in situations where at some point, we run out of breath & struggle to stay at the surface. Just once, I’d like to sit comfortably, floating on a raft with a margarita on the rocks. But then again, if you think about the strength it takes to stay at the surface, it’s a toss up on which role I’d really want to play when it comes down to it. As they say, only the strong survive… go ahead; flip over one of those jackasses on a raft; see what happens. They’ll probably look to one of the rest of us to save em’.

In the last few years, I would constantly find myself emerging from that pool; choking, with water in my eyes & nose... & my hair in my face. I always hoped for that one day I would come up gracefully; unscathed, with everything intact. Or maybe spice it up a bit & make em’ laugh with an old school George Washington do’. But through it all, I somehow managed to find comfort in my disarray. I was pleasantly surprised (in the nicest way possible of course) to find other people out of breath as well. Not to take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, but it’s always good to know that you’re not alone. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one afraid of going under again, or wondering if I had the strength to come up the next time, set me at ease. No matter who had their foot on my head holding me under, I knew I had someone to pull me back up to the surface. I'm very lucky... regardless of how dark my days ever get, I have so many life jackets being thrown to my rescue.

Unfortunately, in the last few years, I was in pretty good company in that pool. But watching the people I love go through their shit & come out ok was an inspiration. It let me know that I could do it too. That no matter what, I would be ok. Those people... & their stories... would help me though. The last decade (not to mention just the last few years) has brought on the loss of parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, cousins, aunts, uncles, lovers, friends, etc. to the people around me in unbelievable numbers. The losses we’ve all faced in recent years alone has kicked us in the stomach with more reality than any of us would like to, or ever be willing to take. But in this life, for as many choices we have, there’s just as many that we don’t. It is what it is. You gotta take it… like it or not. It’s HOW you take it that makes you… or breaks you. With so many things there is a gray area that will help you skate through some situations… but not everything is always black & white… and at the end of the day, it comes down to whether or not you want to sink or swim.

The way I see it is that you can go through life being a window shopper… checking out all the possibilities of what you want, or could someday become… admiring everyone else. Or... you can be a high roller & risk it all to be who you want & get the best out of this life. I do believe that this won’t be our first time around… & for many of us, we’ve been here before… but I can only count on the life I’m living at the moment… the life that I can remember as me & look back on & not regret. I refuse to be a window shopper. With my luck, I’ll come back as a cavity or something, so I personally am not willing to take that risk ;)

I was fortunate enough to have one last heart to heart with my Aunt Lena, one of the most important people in my life, before she passed away in June. She always gave me the best advice & knocked reality into me like no one else could. She told me that she wanted me to live the life I deserved... & left me with words that will stick with me forever... "I love you & I want you to always be happy... & make sure that the lucky bastard that marries you treats you right or I'm gonna haunt him forever. But more importantly, make yourself happy first." That among many other things she's said, have been imprinted in my heart. She was a smart woman ;) There is no one like my Aunt Lena.

As we approach a new year & a new decade, I want to dive in with a clean slate. Leaving all the bullshit behind me & start fresh with a new outlook & new goals to reach. I think the majority of us feel that way. Everyone I talk to seems SO ready to say goodbye to this last decade & even more so to this year. I know I am more than ready & willing to move forward & grab the future by the balls. So in happiness & good health, here’s to 2010…!!

my new motto: “TWENTY-TEN BABY!!”

Salute!!
m.

the way i see it.

On a day like today... where all I want to do is bury my head in my blankets & never emerge, I try my damnedest to find some kind of motivation.

On a day like today... where all of the insecurities of my life have seemed to band together & gang up on me, I try my damnedest to find strength.

On a day like today... with a sky filled with gray clouds & gloom, I try my damnedest to find a reason not to cry & just let it all consume me.

Today... is just one of those days.

I discovered the next bit of enlightenment from quite an unlikely place. I mean, I guess if I'm going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee, I should get a little more out of the deal, right? So thank you, my dear friends at Starbucks.

I stumbled on this quote a few months ago... it struck me, so I took a picture of it with my cell phone because I knew these words would come in handy one day. And here we are.

The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do no do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes".

-- Keith Olbermann, broadcast journalist

It's so true. Aside from the people who love & care about you, anyone else could really care less... & are pretty much chomping at the bit to step on you if it meant they would get ahead. The world is full of people who will doubt you, judge you, & criticize you. But ultimately, you are the one who makes the final call to prove them right or wrong. It sounds so cliche but its true; if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. You can't count on anyone to do your bidding for you... know what you are worth & if you want something, go after it. I know... easier said than done. Its hard to fight for something you want because of the amount of strength it takes... its so much easier to sit on your ass & wait for it to come to you, which it very well may, but how long are you willing to wait?

I can't wait anymore. I've had it. Its so easy to get comfortable in a situation, but after a while you start to think about the difference between comfort & actual happiness. I'm comfortable, but am I really happy where I am in my life? Typically it's a domino effect... once one thing starts to look up, slowly but surely, other things will too. And if they don't on their own, you're going to want them to... & the motivation you get from the one thing that goes well, will hopefully be enough to push you into making the rest of it happen. It works both ways though... or at least for me it does. Something bad happens & I usually just wait for the rest of the world to come crashing down. Which is so terrible... but that's the usual trend. At this stage in my life, I don't want to sit back & let things happen on their own... we are the masters of our own destiny right? Make it how you want it & don't let anyone get in your way. What's the worst that could happen? Don't be afraid.

There are so many terrible people in this world, its easy to forget that there are plenty of good ones too... & believe it or not, not everyone is out to get you. I am a very guarded person & I have every right to be. I am just trying to figure out how & when to let my walls down... & with who. Its a learning process & its scary... because by keeping those walls up, yea I'm definitely keeping out the bad guys... but I am also losing out on the good guys. I've always wanted to see the good in people & in the past that has jaded me from seeing the bad... & as a result, I've been burned. So now its reversed & the rose colored glasses are off. I don't look for the good first anymore... which I want to change. As much as I want to keep the bad guys out, I want to let the good ones in. We can't live our lives constantly looking over our shoulders... or I can't at least. Yea, I've been hurt & I'll probably get hurt again... but I will learn from it, move forward with my head up & maybe kick a little dust in the faces of those fools as I walk away... but just a little ;)

Because like it says in the quote; Don't take it personally when they say "no" - they may not be smart enough to say "yes". "They" can be a job, a friend, a love interest... anyone or anything.

Don't let someone elses bad choices or ignorance be your demise.

m.

infinity.

Of all the things I am, I am NEVER bored with my life. Although there are the occasional lulls... for the most part, I feel as though I keep things fairly exciting. Not necessarily by choice, but exciting nonetheless. At the moment, things are substantially slower than ever, but I like it like that. I'm SO ready for that. I don't want or need the dramatics... who does? For the longest time, I lived what I considered to be a pretty normal life, and I felt bad for the poor saps who constantly had something to worry about. I mean, we all have something to worry about, but I mean big issues... like "get a grip" kind of issues.

Then, I became one of those poor saps. Wah-wah-wahhhhh.

By NO MEANS, do I or have I, ever wanted sympathy from anyone. Empathy maybe, but never sympathy. We all have our baggage, so I know that I'm no different from anyone else. But having someone who can relate to your pain, your sadness, your situation; whether it’s good or bad is always comforting. "I've been there", "I am there", "I know how you feel"... all fabulous phrases of comfort to hear when you're going through something. To me, there's nothing is more obnoxious than someone telling you how "great things are eventually going to be", or how "it's going to get worse before it gets better". Really!? No shit. Thank you for stating the friggin' obvious. I'm bummed out, not stupid.

I am a realist. But don't get it twisted. I am also a compassionate person who feels for people & will comfort someone who needs it, but by no means will I cloud someone's head with crap for the sake of trying to make them feel better. I know things are going to suck for a while & the person's pain isn't going to go away by me saying "it's going to be ok"... because 9 times out of 10, it IS going to be ok & chances are, they know that. But they're sad... so let them be sad. Cry with me, relate... & if you can't, just be there... don't try to say things that are going to make me want to punch you in the face. Everyone is different though, & I guess we all take different approaches to the way we handle things. I want to be comforted with reality… no false pretenses. I'm not saying emphasize their pain & be like "Wow... that really sucks, I'd hate to be you right now", because that just makes you a jackass. But just be there, be a friend, don't be a Hallmark card. We throw those out.

I felt that the rollercoaster I was on was never going to stop. There was always another drop, another sharp corner, another reason to scream. But the one thing that brought me comfort was knowing that even if it didn’t ever stop (which I don't think it does... maybe just goes into cruise control), I wasn’t alone on that ride. Everyone goes through their share of chaos… & everyone has been on that rollercoaster & probably will be again at some point. And just as my friends were riding with me, I will always ride with them.

After you go through enough, & the same people prove time & time again that they will be there, there is no doubt that those people will be there forever… for infinity. There is no better feeling than when your friends become your family. My friends are the best, craziest, funniest, most beautiful people I know. Without them, who knows what I would be. Actually I do know… I’d be insane, poorly dressed, & really bored.

I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support group. We often tend to focus on the things we don’t have & let what we do have fall by the wayside. At the end of the day, I’m lucky & I know it. I feel bad for the people who don’t have good friends… I see it all the time… this one hates that one… who talks shit about this one… yet they pretend to be the best of friends. Then there are the people who just don’t have any friends in general. The girl that has “acquaintances” but no real friends she’s close to. Those are the people to worry about. Uhhhh, why is no one close to you? What did you do to have NO friends? Hmmmm… helloooooooo red flag!! That was my problem… dummy. But you live & you learn.

There are very few things in life that go on forever. Very few things that you can rely on as a constant. Those things, no matter what they are, need to be honored & appreciated. What I can see for forever in my life are the relationships I have with the people I love. Even if the person passes away, I still talk to them & continue to keep the relationship alive. My friends & my family have been there for me through my darkest hours; picking me up off the floor (literally & figuratively), giving me a shoulder to cry on, a reason to laugh, & a reason not to give up.

It’s not who pushes you that matters… it’s who catches you when you fall.

m.

stay tuned.

It’s not easy to face the reality of a painful truth. To face a failure or a disappointment head on is one of the most difficult things to admit to yourself. So you hide it... block it out… that’s the easy way. Stepping outside of yourself; out of the situation & examining it from another angle is what brings true clarity. When you’re in it, you’re just looking for reasons why & how it happened to you. When you’re out of it, you can see that it is what it is… no matter what the reason, & you can't change it. It’s crazy how a situation you thought was so complicated can be so cut & dry. What someone else does to you is their decision, how you let it impact your life is yours. Break through those self imposed limitations... & try your hardest not to have a pity party (at least not a long one). If we just got the hell out of our own way, we could avoid so many of these bumps in the road. A lot of times we just don’t let ourselves move forward… & I don’t think its intentional. It’s one of those places you end up in where you kinda feel bad for yourself… & its not that you enjoy the self pity, you just get comfortable there, because to get out, takes a lot more effort… effort that you can’t really find the strength in to apply, because when you’re in such a crappy spot, you really don’t think you have it in you. Everyone & their mother can tell you how strong you are but it’s you that has to make the effort to push through. And that’s where the uncertainty comes in… & who wants to face that!? But we have to. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery. We just loooooove to blame the way we’re feeling on what we’ve gone through, who hurt us, anything… & that's normal. But the reality of it is this; yes… those things may have gotten you to that place, but it is our own fears & doubts that are keeping us there.

We’re so afraid of letting go of the past because we’re so afraid of taking hold of the future. I mean, we have every reason to be afraid of the future… the unknown is scary. But if the past wasn’t so great, we should really be looking forward to what’s to come, right!? What do we have to lose!? I know for me, “the eternal pessimist” (a label I am not happy with & am intently trying to change)… I automatically think the future is full of the same crap the past was, so I’m ok staying where I am. I’ve mastered my drama by now, I know it. The security of knowing makes us feel better. We need it. That’s why so many of us look to psychics, horoscopes, & even Magic friggin’ 8 Balls to put our minds at ease regarding the future. And no matter what they tell us, as long as you can feel even the slightest bit of relief in knowing what kinda/sorta might happen… you can breathe easy. You get some peace of mind. Ridiculous, yet so incredibly comforting all at once. I am absolutely one of those people. I need the affirmation. It’s bizarre; why wouldn’t I have enough faith in myself & my life to know I can have a good future? It’s comical, really. We can be such dopes sometimes.

But to not be willing to move forward because we can’t let go of a sucky occurrence from our past? What are we holding onto? Hurt? Betrayal? Oh yea… wouldn’t want to let go of that, right? Puh-lease! Pure craziness… it’s so weird what makes us tick & how fear can keep us glued to the floor. But in order to fully let go, you have to face it… head on. And that’s what we have such a struggle with… that’s what we’re so damn afraid of. To stare those truths in the face, kiss em’ right on the lips, say "buh-bye" & walk away. Why is it so hard!? That’s what I’m trying to figure out… the past has passed… be done with it! Be excited for what’s ahead… not afraid.

We live in a scary world full of things & people ready & willing to tear our heads off & our hearts out. It is definitely a dog eat dog world & everyone is out for themselves. I never want to be considered one of those people... I'm not selfish & I don't want to be associated with people that are. However, we do need to make sure that we take care of ourselves first & don't get wrapped up in making everyone under the sun happy. Guard yourself. Build walls. And my fave; GLOVES UP. Once you've been burned it's hard to let someone else in. But trust yourself... trust your gut & if it doesn't feel right, it's not. Do not force yourself into anything you aren't comfortable with no matter what anyone says. Do it all in your own time... at your own pace. Little by little it will all come together. We can only hope. It's tough... a double edge sword for sure. I try not to think of the future too much these days... just looking to go with the flow... & see where the next gust of wind takes me.

Stay tuned.

m.